I've had an itch, for weeks now, to write. But simply put, I haven't felt inspired by anything lately. Life has just been chugging along, with me in tow, and nothing has even attempted to strike the match that lights my creativity. I've been painfully aware of this dull, lack-luster span of time and painfully attuned to the fact that I'm not feeling inspired...by anything.
Am I just not paying attention? Am I letting life slip on by, mindlessly? Have I been too busy to notice the things going on around me? Too consumed by my own schedule that I'm not giving enough of myself to others, to life, to relationships, to the faces of strangers? Or has my jam-packed agenda worn me out, that my soul doesn't have the energy to take in anything else?
I have a full time job, during which I also balance my time as a member of our culture committee. I'm taking classes. I nanny a 5 year old and a 16 month old three to five times a week. And whenever our schedules allow, I squeeze in some time with my boyfriend who works nights.
While I'm busy doing all that, life is still happening. The days on the calendar change without my consent, hours pass like minutes and before I know it, another month has gone by. The holidays plowed in like a high-speed train. In my "down-time" I was shopping and wrapping gifts. Making my list and checking it twice, three times, four times, oh hell. And there are how many holiday parties we had to make it to this year? 5? 6?
I miss my friends. I miss having time to do whatever I want, and a care-free spirit that allows me to do whatever I want. Now I'm budget conscious, relationship conscious, energy conscious, act-like-an-adult conscious. I'm stuck in this in-between where I want to be settled. I want to have a day a week dedicated to cleaning a house I own. I want to be able to come home from work and read a book on the couch after eating a home-cooked meal. Yet, here I am, not making enough money to buy a home, still taking classes and babysitting for cash on the side just to help things along.
I'm making strides every day towards what I want, but I'm not there. And I guess I'm just not feeling excited about where I'm at. I should be, really. In 2014 when I left school and moved home, I was failing at literally everything. I was flunking out of college, I was eating the worst possible "food" known to human-kind, I had shut everyone out and locked myself in. I couldn't pay my bills or rent. I was completely lost. But now, I've got a path that I seem to be travelling fairly well. I've turned my finances around, I'm organized, I've mended my relationships with those I love, I have a steady job that pays descent, I am in a very loving, supportive relationship with my boyfriend and I just received an A- in my last class! Things are good, wouldn't you say?
I want to live a life that is full of "happy." I want to feel inspired by those around me and by myself. I want to see beauty in every day. I'm not saying I need to be in utter awe of my life, at every second. I don't need fireworks every morning and dancing monkeys every afternoon. But I want to feel a sense of belonging, I want to smile just because, and I want to know that I am working towards something bigger than managing 24 hours on repeat. I want the bits between "Once upon a time..." and "happily ever after" to have meaning.
With all that being said, my resolution for 2017 can only be this...to focus on the meaning behind all that I do, rather than just how to do it efficiently. I saw something on Facebook that really stood out to me, recently. Start on January 1 with an empty jar. Each day, write, on a piece of paper, something good that happened to you that day and add it to the jar. At the end of the year, you can dump out the contents of the jar and read through them, reminiscing on what a fantastic year you've had.
It can be so easy to get caught up in clock-watching and to-do-lists. We can so easily miss a very happy moment, or dismiss a kind gesture without even knowing. In 2017 I want to be more present, more alert, more open and accepting so that I might not ever find myself in a place where I am not inspired, challenged, or full of thought, ever again.
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
What do You Deserve?
We have all had those days (or sometimes an excessively long string of those days). You know, the type of day where you continually find yourself asking what you did to deserve all this? You blew a fuse drying your hair and then dropped an earring down the sink. You're already running late and, of course, you forgot to fill the gas tank last night so now you have to stop on your way in to work. The e-mails never stopped coming and the phone never stopped ringing and by 3 o'clock, you realize you never even paused to eat lunch and you're starved. You finally get to go home and what do you know, a surprise snow shower came through in the middle of April and you don't have your window scraper. As soon as you walk in the door at home, your cell phone starts buzzing, reminding you of a dentist appointment you were supposed to be at over 45 minutes ago. You go to the bathroom and realize you have a huge smudge of mascara on your eyelid; clearly it had been hanging out there all day. The mirror is glaring at you; your face looks pale, tired, old...and your roots are really grown out, and that reminds you that you forgot to call your salon to make a hair appointment for the 4th day in a row. You shuffle through the mail only to find two pieces of junk and three bills you can't afford to pay. You are on the verge of an emotional breakdown, you're actually surprised you made it through the 40 minute commute in what seemed like it could have been holiday traffic headed North for a long weekend. Except it was Tuesday, and you were headed East and there is no holiday, and....ugh, why was the traffic so ugly, today?!
In that long, drawn-out moment of sheer emptiness you hold just before you start feeling the urge to throw something or cry or yell into a pillow - you have a choice. You have a choice to let the anger and frustration take over, to allow it to consume your thoughts for the next hour and to let this string of nuances become bigger than you. You have a choice to let it win. But you also have a choice to realize that life is so much more than this annoying day; that in the grand scheme of things, this day is laughable. You can choose to buckle under the "pressure" of things that don't really matter, or you can choose to understand how little these things really are and that you can take charge of your mood and how this day will end. Strength comes in so many different shapes, is tested in so many different ways and is exercised on so many different levels. It is up to you to design your strength, empower it, utilize it, grow it, believe in it and feel it. Strength is something you build, and with it comes confidence, independence, perseverance and a growing potential. Not a single person in this world has the ability to touch your strength. They can't judge it, they can't bend it or break it, they can't limit it. But in the same token, not a single person in this world can give you strength, either. They can show it to you, they can demonstrate it and set an example, they can even try to coach you. But only YOU can be the true creator, holder and user of your strength. You can surround yourself with strong people and feed off their positivity, but until you can master your OWN strength, these tough days will still seem extreme to you. Until you can stand on your own and decide the fate of each day in your life, one by one and then maybe a few at a time, these tough days will still have the ability to break you down. Strength is a choice, it's as simple as that.
Before you know it, your days will be exactly how you allow them to be. Sure, you can't stop obstacles from getting in your way or accidents from happening or slipping on a banana peel and falling flat on your back. But you can control how you respond. Before you know it, days like the one described above won't even phase you and you'll find the positive points and focus on those and gather the lessons you've learned and prepare for a better day tomorrow. And soon enough, you'll be asking: "What did I do to deserve all this?" Except you'll be exclaiming happiness instead of frustration. You'll be happy with where you're at, where you're heading, and what you're working for. And you will have only YOU and the STRENGTH you built to thank. And you will deserve every smile, every ounce of happiness and every new day that you take by storm, because you will have earned it and worked for it and believed in it.
Choose yourself. Choose control. Choose your own strength.
In that long, drawn-out moment of sheer emptiness you hold just before you start feeling the urge to throw something or cry or yell into a pillow - you have a choice. You have a choice to let the anger and frustration take over, to allow it to consume your thoughts for the next hour and to let this string of nuances become bigger than you. You have a choice to let it win. But you also have a choice to realize that life is so much more than this annoying day; that in the grand scheme of things, this day is laughable. You can choose to buckle under the "pressure" of things that don't really matter, or you can choose to understand how little these things really are and that you can take charge of your mood and how this day will end. Strength comes in so many different shapes, is tested in so many different ways and is exercised on so many different levels. It is up to you to design your strength, empower it, utilize it, grow it, believe in it and feel it. Strength is something you build, and with it comes confidence, independence, perseverance and a growing potential. Not a single person in this world has the ability to touch your strength. They can't judge it, they can't bend it or break it, they can't limit it. But in the same token, not a single person in this world can give you strength, either. They can show it to you, they can demonstrate it and set an example, they can even try to coach you. But only YOU can be the true creator, holder and user of your strength. You can surround yourself with strong people and feed off their positivity, but until you can master your OWN strength, these tough days will still seem extreme to you. Until you can stand on your own and decide the fate of each day in your life, one by one and then maybe a few at a time, these tough days will still have the ability to break you down. Strength is a choice, it's as simple as that.
Before you know it, your days will be exactly how you allow them to be. Sure, you can't stop obstacles from getting in your way or accidents from happening or slipping on a banana peel and falling flat on your back. But you can control how you respond. Before you know it, days like the one described above won't even phase you and you'll find the positive points and focus on those and gather the lessons you've learned and prepare for a better day tomorrow. And soon enough, you'll be asking: "What did I do to deserve all this?" Except you'll be exclaiming happiness instead of frustration. You'll be happy with where you're at, where you're heading, and what you're working for. And you will have only YOU and the STRENGTH you built to thank. And you will deserve every smile, every ounce of happiness and every new day that you take by storm, because you will have earned it and worked for it and believed in it.
Choose yourself. Choose control. Choose your own strength.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
The Ultimate Teacher
Life is a tricky business. Everyone wants to lead an effectively organized life - where your short-term goals and values lend well into your long-term plans. But let's face it - the longer you live on this planet, the more you realize that things don't always go according to plan. People change (yourself included), money is a gravity issue and destructive, unplanned obstacles suddenly get dropped in your way like a real-life version of Mario Kart.
Some people strive to have the picture-perfect family and to raise their children to be the best they can possibly be at whatever they want to be best at. Others want that glistening career with a list of honors and promotions fifty miles long. Others want to be free spirited and travel the world and see wondrous sights. There are so many variations of that "effectively organized life plan." Yet, I guarantee not ONE has ever been rolled out without any setbacks.
My goals and values seem to change every single day, whether it is just in reaction to a change in my life or whether it's brought on by maturity and life experience or because someone gave me advice that made me think differently. They change. Every. Single. Day.
Where once I valued staying up literally all night with my friends, so as not to waste a single minute of silliness and laughter - I now value a good night's sleep.
Where once I valued having a name-brand clothing item - I now value having versatile items that can be paired differently to accompany several different outfits.
Where once I valued having many friends - I now value having true, honest friends.
Yesterday I ate a fried chicken pita sandwich with BBQ sauce and seasoned fries. Today, I ate a salad and Monday I'm starting a diet to better my overall health and my lifestyle - not just to lose weight, but because it can tremendously effect some of my long-term medical issues.
Two years ago I was giving up on my education and my relationships with those around me. Yesterday, I re-applied for college and, today, I reached out to a dear friend and thanked her for being such an amazing friend and person - even after all these years.
In the last couple years, I have read several fiction novels. Last month, I purchased a book that will teach me to love stronger and another book to help me be more successful in life.
All the various sets of goals I've carried throughout my life have led me down different roads, some more promising than others. Some paths have set me back, some have launched me into areas I wasn't quite ready for. But all of them have helped get me to where I am, today, and have provided me with priceless experience and wisdom.
I am better today than I was yesterday because I have endured hardships, navigated tough obstacles and taken things for granted that I shouldn't have. I have hurt people and have asked for forgiveness. I have also lifted people up and brightened their day. There are times where I've pinched every penny and other times where I seemed to have just thrown my money away. I have removed people from my life who had no business being there and I have happily invited others. I have loved and lost, but I surely am happy to love again.
Life is a tricky business. It's up, it's down; its a balancing act that's nearly impossible to execute. But life is the best teacher you will ever have. It will teach you patience, emotional handling, financial health, physical health, relationship management...and the list goes on. But the most important thing that it will teach you - is that you can grow and adapt. Situations will change you, alter your perspective, tweak your goals, shape your values and broaden your mind.
Where I am now and where I was two to three years ago are completely different worlds. My life is vastly different, yet the things I've learned and the knowledge I've gained in the past have not escaped me in my new world. I carry them with me everywhere I go and tomorrow I will pick up another tidbit to carry with me in my travels through this life.
I have done things I'm not proud of and found myself in situations I would have rather not been in, but I have learned and I have grown and I cannot bring myself to find a single moment I truly regret. Life is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but boy do I sure feel alive with ability and armed with the strength to take what I am meant to learn from any experience it throws my way.
"This, too, shall pass."
Some people strive to have the picture-perfect family and to raise their children to be the best they can possibly be at whatever they want to be best at. Others want that glistening career with a list of honors and promotions fifty miles long. Others want to be free spirited and travel the world and see wondrous sights. There are so many variations of that "effectively organized life plan." Yet, I guarantee not ONE has ever been rolled out without any setbacks.
My goals and values seem to change every single day, whether it is just in reaction to a change in my life or whether it's brought on by maturity and life experience or because someone gave me advice that made me think differently. They change. Every. Single. Day.
Where once I valued staying up literally all night with my friends, so as not to waste a single minute of silliness and laughter - I now value a good night's sleep.
Where once I valued having a name-brand clothing item - I now value having versatile items that can be paired differently to accompany several different outfits.
Where once I valued having many friends - I now value having true, honest friends.
Yesterday I ate a fried chicken pita sandwich with BBQ sauce and seasoned fries. Today, I ate a salad and Monday I'm starting a diet to better my overall health and my lifestyle - not just to lose weight, but because it can tremendously effect some of my long-term medical issues.
Two years ago I was giving up on my education and my relationships with those around me. Yesterday, I re-applied for college and, today, I reached out to a dear friend and thanked her for being such an amazing friend and person - even after all these years.
In the last couple years, I have read several fiction novels. Last month, I purchased a book that will teach me to love stronger and another book to help me be more successful in life.
All the various sets of goals I've carried throughout my life have led me down different roads, some more promising than others. Some paths have set me back, some have launched me into areas I wasn't quite ready for. But all of them have helped get me to where I am, today, and have provided me with priceless experience and wisdom.
I am better today than I was yesterday because I have endured hardships, navigated tough obstacles and taken things for granted that I shouldn't have. I have hurt people and have asked for forgiveness. I have also lifted people up and brightened their day. There are times where I've pinched every penny and other times where I seemed to have just thrown my money away. I have removed people from my life who had no business being there and I have happily invited others. I have loved and lost, but I surely am happy to love again.
Life is a tricky business. It's up, it's down; its a balancing act that's nearly impossible to execute. But life is the best teacher you will ever have. It will teach you patience, emotional handling, financial health, physical health, relationship management...and the list goes on. But the most important thing that it will teach you - is that you can grow and adapt. Situations will change you, alter your perspective, tweak your goals, shape your values and broaden your mind.
Where I am now and where I was two to three years ago are completely different worlds. My life is vastly different, yet the things I've learned and the knowledge I've gained in the past have not escaped me in my new world. I carry them with me everywhere I go and tomorrow I will pick up another tidbit to carry with me in my travels through this life.
I have done things I'm not proud of and found myself in situations I would have rather not been in, but I have learned and I have grown and I cannot bring myself to find a single moment I truly regret. Life is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but boy do I sure feel alive with ability and armed with the strength to take what I am meant to learn from any experience it throws my way.
"This, too, shall pass."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)