All That You Are is Only a Preview of What You Are to Become

I have woken up to see your sweet face on the pillow next to mine too many times to count
And still, every last time becomes my new favorite time
I have dreamed a thousand dreams of so many things
But the ones with you mean the most
I have told you oh so many times that I love you
Yet I know the meaning of those words hasn't even seen its greatest depth
And I latch on to everything that helps it grow
I have seen true smiles spread across your face
But there are so many of your smiles I still can't wait to see
I have held your hand and laid my head on your chest
Still I know the comfort you offer is just the beginning
I have stared deep into your eyes and found truth and vulnerability
But I have yet to discover a million other treasures in those eyes
I have felt your caring words drill right down to my heart
I have witnessed the sacrifices that you make for me
I have watched you strive for what is important
My heart has never felt so much

One Vitamin, a World of Change

    Looking back, I realize what a complete waste of space I was for a good 8 months or so, maybe longer. I had zero energy, from the time I woke up to the soonest I could collapse in my bed after work...around 4:30 in the afternoon. I too often found myself cancelling evening plans with friends because I was so physically exhausted and mentally drained. I opted for a "quick nap" that usually wouldn't end until my alarm went off the next morning instead of dinner with my family. I let my gym membership sit there and rot because I COULD NOT make myself choose the treadmill over my pillow. I still went out on the weekends, but found myself calling it a night earlier and earlier.
    Aside from being that tired...allll the time...it lead me to a severe lack of motivation to do anything of importance. I went through the motions of the day - doing what I had to do to get through it, but nothing more. Which is really unlike me, especially in the professional environment. In all my previous jobs, I have found myself going above and beyond - finding projects to work on or ways to improve a process. I wasn't doing that anymore.
    And then there were the headaches. Awful, miserable, painful headaches that lasted all day long and remained strong even against the power of Extra Strength Tylenol and Excedrin Migraine. These headaches came on suddenly and clearly had no intentions of leaving any time soon. Along with the headaches came fatigue, shortness of breath, weakness and a tingling in my fingertips and wrists. After 5 straight days of this, and missing a day of work, I finally went to see my doctor. She checked for pneumonia, ran blood tests to rule out infection and blood clots, and several other small tests...and yet, she was stumped. She gave me a shot of Toradol for the pain and sent me on my way, hoping that breaking the cycle of pain may kick the headaches. A week later, no relief. My doctor decided to run another set of blood tests, one of which was to check my Vitamin B12 level.
    My B12 was in the mid 200 range, which doesn't technically make me "deficient." But the normal range is 200-900 or 200-1100 (depending on where you have the test done) so it sure put me pretty darn close. B12 is a vitamin you get from your diet, it's not one that your body can make on its own. It is absorbed from the proteins in meat, fish, eggs and dairy - which I definitely eat enough of. So, knowing that my body wasn't absorbing the B12 properly from my diet, I started weekly B12 injections to get my levels back up. My doctor and myself were hoping that the headaches may have just been a way of my body telling me that something was wrong and that after B12 injection therapy, they would start to subside.
    It took almost a full month of the injections before I started to find relief from the headaches, which I was so incredibly ready for! But I think what I've enjoyed more than ridding myself of these headaches, was the energy and motivation I gained after just the first week - which only continued to grow from there. I've started using my gym membership again...almost every day, now. I've been more involved at work, putting together a training manual and helping my boss on some small projects (ahh, much better.) I have noticed that I am sleeping so hard that I wake up sometimes and don't know what day it is - but I wake up feeling refreshed and energized and ready to tackle the world. And I have no desire to hit my snooze, once I'm up, I'm up! I think I'm actually getting the best sleep of my adult life. Knowing that my body is capable of feeling the way that it does now, and that my mind can feel so strong, really makes me consider the previous months and how lacking they were in so many ways.
    My boyfriend continuously called me "Grandma Shelby" whenever I wanted to go to sleep at 9pm on a Friday night, or needed a nap mid-way through Saturday. Now I'm the one pulling on his arm to go find something to do. My spirits are on high, I feel like I've actually enjoyed my days, both in and out of work, and my bed no longer calls my name. On the contrary, I find that I am having to force myself to go to sleep - otherwise I could stay up all day and half the night, no problem.
    I knew I was tired all the time, I knew I was being lazy, I knew I wasn't motivated. But I guess I didn't realize it was negatively affecting me so much, until I wasn't any of those things anymore. I can't recall the last time I felt this good, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm excited to see what this new energy and fresh motivation allows me to accomplish. I'm excited for how lively my days will continue to feel. But mostly, I'm over-the-moon happy and feeling 100% healthy for the first time in a really long time.
    As painful and persistent as those headaches were, I am thankful for the fact that they lead me to discover my low level of B12. Because you typically don't just go to the doctor and say "I'm tired and lazy, cure me." Unfortunately, it will take something else, like in my situation, to find that there is an actual problem with your health that's affecting these things (unless in fact, you're actually just a lazy person.)

                                                                  *****************

I hadn't even known the importance of B12, or how a low level can negatively affect your body to this extent. I didn't know it was something that your body could fail to absorb. I didn't know anything about it, at all. But after researching on my own, and understanding how the human body processes the food in your diet to extract, absorb and store the vitamin, and then subsequently use it for such important functions, I realize that probably not many people know this stuff either. And B12 deficiency is actually a very common thing that goes undiagnosed far too often. I've suggested to many of my friends and family to have their B12 levels checked, because something so simple has caused a world of change for me, in just a month and half. And through all of this, and with the help of follow up tests, I've also found that my body, at this point, does not have the proper means to absorb the vitamin on its own from my diet. Research Intrinsic Factor Antibody, if you'd like to find out why. I will need to have monthly injections from this point forward in order to maintain a stable level. And if it's a small poke in the arm once a month that will allow me to continue feeling this good, it's well worth it.

What is Love if Not a Reason to be the Best Version of Yourself?

The majority of my days are just normal...routine. Snooze the alarm 3 times, get to work 5 minutes late, scarf down lunch while simultaneously responding to emails, honk the horn a few times at people who cut me off on my way home...ya know. The usual stuff. There are occasional doctor appointments, sometimes I spend an evening doing laundry and sometimes I come home and collapse into a pile of exhaustion on my pillow...usually on a Thursday. My weekends, especially during the Summer, are filled with events away from home, keeping me up late at night, and often include beer and friends. I live for the weekends.

Lately, though...the routine, the normal, the day to day...it's all starting to seem a lot less boring. It's all still very average in terms of "life events" or "the things you have to do." Yes, everyone has to work to make money to pay bills and eat dinner. But too many people are completely miserable in doing so. Too many people go through the motions every single day, and forget to allow spontanaeity into their lives. Routine is good on a lot of levels. But if routine is all you have and each day is the same as the one before it and the one that follows...everything is sure to become mundane and meaningless. Where's the good in that?

So how is it that my normal, routine days aren't so boring to me? I've found a very real inspiration. A silent motivator, a strong supporter, a second opinion, a reason to think and re-think everything I do...including the routine things. I've found a best friend to do life with who makes me want to be better, without even meaning to.

When it's just you, your same thoughts, your same point of view...you can really get set in your ways. But when someone comes along who challenges your thoughts, your mind, your intentions and goals - all of a sudden you are looking at everything in a new light. I've got someone in my life who loves me for me, and everything I stand for. And that, in itself, is enough to make me take a second look at who I am as a person and what exactly it is that I stand for. Can I give him an even better person to love? Because he surely deserves the best.

I say this with every ounce of honesty my body contains...I have never once felt that he has ever wanted to change a single thing about me. I'm not looking at myself and my life in a new light because he has ever brought a flaw to my attention or spoken down to me about any single aspect of my being. Actually, I think it's just the opposite. For once in my life, I feel so safe and cared for and un-judged. I feel loved for who I am. And it makes me think...who am I really? Here is this person, who loves me so much. Here he is, with his ever-so-delicate forehead kisses that mean the world to me. Here's this man, who opened up to me and showed me his world and his mind. He's shared with me his goals, his wants in life, his regrets and his accomplishments. He is beautiful and exciting and funny. There is something about sharing a meal at a nice restaurant with two plates full of crab legs on your candle-lit table...and there sit the two of you, trying to wipe tears from your eyes because you are both laughing so hard that you can't even breath. Call it rude, but we were in the moment, completely consumed in our own little world, thoroughly enjoying each other's company. And if you can't give in to a moment like that, then how are you supposed to enjoy life?

I can go on and on about all our moments that have really made a mark on my heart. There are many...because he gets me and he's thoughtful and he's real. And I consider how highly I think of him...and that's what makes me strive to be the best version of myself. There are days that I'm moody...and that has ALWAYS been the case. But what do my moody days add to life? Surely nothing positive. So why be moody? I can just change my mindset, put a smile on and focus on different viewpoints..to be better company, to make the day worth while, to make it memorable in some way. There are days where I'm impatient and, unfortunately, he endures the sharp edges of my snappy attitude. Its not his fault that things didn't go the way I envisioned them. And even so, what does it matter if B came before A? Did it ruin my life? Will I make it to see tomorrow? Then why sweat it? These are the things I've started to look at when considering my day to day. These are some the areas where I want to be better...for the sake of life happiness in general, and for the sake of this caring man and the fact that he doesn't deserve to have to suffer through my short comings.

And so, with a new set of eyes and a greater appreciation for my life and the fact that I get to share all these moments with such an incredible man...I continue on with my routines. Except, they aren't so routine anymore. Because I am looking for ways to make them better, more exciting, less stressful, more meaningful and always...more purposeful.

Because there is a reason I found such a true, honest love and I'll be damned if I ever let it become "just one of my routines."

Here's to finding purpose in all that you do. Here's to holding on to love and allowing it to bring excitement to your life. And here's to building a better you....both for yourself and for those who love you.

I love you, Anthony.

When You Fall and You Love It

When love has let you down, especially when it lets you down hard, there seems to be this prominent moment in time that drags on and on and on. It's not pain, really. It's not even sadness. It's just this sense of solitude that has taken on the role of your personal protection; a body guard for your heart and soul, if you will. The funny thing about it is you are well aware of it throughout your day, with every interaction you have with another person, especially in meeting new people. And you grow to rely on it. With this guard comes independence, inner strength and focus. All of a sudden, you're feeling better about yourself than you can ever remember feeling...ever. You're confident in your own abilities and proud of your accomplishments, because you are all you have...you and this Knight of Solidarity who walks beside you day in and day out. 

     

You'll envelope yourself in this positive selfishness. You will grow and your world will expand with you. And before you know it, you will have found your true self, the person you were meant to be...and want to be; a stronger, better, more prominent you. 

When you have taken this time to get to know yourself; the real, uninterrupted, non-clouded version of yourself, you will find that the right people gravitate to you. You don't have to go searching for someone who might, possibly, fit into this puzzle-piece riddle of standards you set. The right people will find you, on accident in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times. And because you have found your true personality, there will be no confusion in the bonds you build with these surprise acquaintances. And if you remain true to yourself, the right one will come along; the one who evokes all the right emotions and treats you with all the respect in the world.

For the longest time, I thought that beginning a new relationship would force me to compromise all that I had gained in this past year. I thought I would have to trade in my freedom for a pair of chains, and set aside my independence in order to let someone in. I thought that my guard would be too strong to allow anyone to ever help me or hold me. Until now…now I see that you don't have to tear your soul in half in order to share it. The right person will come along who knows just how to handle your heart, even the tough, protected parts. He won't fight with your wall of confidence; instead he will rebuild it where it weakens. He won't fear your independence, but encourage it. He will share in the belief in your abilities and take it upon himself to make sure that belief never falters. He will make you better. He will accentuate all of those strengths you have grown into, not place them in shadows. He will love you in all the right ways and he will make you even stronger. 

     I am so lucky to have found someone who lifts me so high. This relationship is still new and exciting...and young. But it’s strong and I believe in it. I am infatuated with his presence, I feel safe in his arms and he is such a good, caring man.

 ...I couldn't have imagined a better person to fall for on accident, when I was least expecting it.

Where Civilization is Not

A twisting, winding road
A tangled mess of golden hair
blowing in the wind, gleaming in the sun
It's only February, but her window's rolled down
She takes a deep breath, cold and sobering
She exhales a cloud of steam, a true tell of the fire in her heart
She's got her favorite song turned all the way up
There's a smile on her face as she locks eyes with the blue sky ahead
She's not sure if she's chasing a dream
Or if she's headed somewhere she's already been
All she knows is that it doesn't matter
She's just happy to be going somewhere.
Her gut is tight with excitement
She bears an adventurous soul
It aches for true freedom
Free from rules and wandering eyes
Free of stress and time constraints
Free from monotonous tasks and conversation
Her mind wanders
It takes her through the woods she used to hike
The fort she disappeared to for hours on end
She ventures back to rollerblades on rough pavement
and bike rides, swift with the dropping terrain
She recalls sitting on the edge of a cliff
Looking out over clear blue-green water
Completely mesmerized, encompassed by life.
There aren't stop lights or sirens where she's going
There's no traffic or violence
There are only moments of awe
Peaceful realizations of true beauty
a renewed respect for the Earth...
...and the fact that is still spins.

Despite the anger and corruption
Even with the debt of the economy
and freak accidents breaking the hearts of loved ones
No matter how busy the streets
Or how harsh the life...

There are still birds who fly freely between the trees
and cubs who find safety beneath their mother
and waves that crash over rocks, slowly changing their shapes
There is still beauty in this world, big blue skies and small streams
Silence that echoes for miles
Pebbles that sink to the bottom of lakes
and snow that builds and builds and builds

On a normal day, she fights rush hour traffic
and forgets to do laundry
She struggles to pay her bills
and drinks too much coffee just to stay awake
On most days, she's just going through the motions
But on those rare, momentous days
When she takes off to be absolutely nowhere
Surrounded by nothing of importance
Not talking to a single soul
Those are the days she feels alive
Those moments...
...when she feels so much smaller than the world
...where the eagle owns the sky
...when she has to dip below branches and step over roots
Those moments are living
Those are the moments she reaches for
That's where her soul would fly if it could

You'll Never Know What You Don't Know Until You Ask

As a young professional, building a career plan and setting advancement goals has proven quite challenging. Determining what you want to make of your career and future is entirely up to you, and you alone. It's one of those things that doesn't have step-by-step instructions, nor can you follow any one person's footsteps. What works for one person may not work for another. What works today may not work tomorrow.

I began my career endeavors 6 months ago, upon the acceptance of my first job offer in connection with my area of study. It was a newly created position with no formal training plan, no clear outlining of expected results and minimal feedback. I've submerged myself in each task given to me and truly have accomplished so much since my first days. I can successfully navigate our packaging software (I've even been able to teach my boss a thing or two) and I've mastered creating and analyzing the many reports we rely on for operation and quality control. I feel that I have easily managed and adopted all the duties that have been given to me.

I felt great about my progress and excited by the idea of having conquered these new challenges.

Until one day I realized that the horizon of my accomplishments was far too close. Surely, my current daily duties will not keep me busy forever, at least not busy enough to motivate me. Yes, I know how to manipulate numbers on a spreadsheet, but what of these numbers? I know what we use them for, I know where they come from, but what factors would change them? How can they be improved? I need to know more about the company than what simply crosses my desk. I need to know so much more than I do now.

To do my current job successfully, I could continue on like I have for the past 6 months and be just fine. But my current job isn't my dream job, the pay won't satisfy me for much longer and I can see that I'm already getting bored. So what is a new, 23 year old employee to do in an industry she knew nothing about when she entered it? As I look around the various departments working together to form our Operations segment, I am surrounded with retirement-age folks who have been doing this for 30+ years. The industry is old and the people who operate it, just as much. How will I compare to all these knowledge-filled, experienced, seasoned veterans of the industry?

I've got to learn. I've got to ask them questions. I've got to think on a greater scale, a broader scope. I've got to roam and poke my nose in areas I don't understand. I've got to be curious and open-eyed.

I realize, that I have no idea what to make of my future in this business - because I know nothing about it. It's like deciding whether or not to buy a house you've never visited or drawing a portrait of a face you've never seen.

If I get out there, and explore the industry and ask questions - I'm sure I will find an area of interest. Maybe I will stumble across a challenge or two that I think I could fix. Maybe I will recognize areas of growth. And once I can see clearly, I might be able to envision an outline for my future. And with that outline, I can start to create goals and find ways to build myself towards achieving them.

Building a career is so different than "having a job" in high school or college. It is going to be a learning process. I need to strive for advancement, both in my personal growth and the growth of the company. Right now, curiosity and inquisitiveness will be my best friends. With that mindset, I will gain knowledge, understanding, and of course will form new questions and meet new people.

I've decided to start following other "young-professional" bloggers that sing the the tune of career advancement, gaining certifications to boost your value to the company (and with that, your salary) and of course, networking.

A few blogs of note I would like to share:

• Ms. Career Girl , who lends insight on success in areas surrounding both careers and life outside of work
• Your Coffee Break, which envelopes conversation about fashion, beauty and career. There are quite a few posts specifically related to the PR profession (which a few of my close friends would likely enjoy), but I feel that most content can be beneficial to any young woman starting out her career. 
• Dr. Hiten Vyas's the Empower Blog gives advice on building confidence, becoming a better communicator, avoiding negativity and simply building a better life. 

I think I'll take a trip to the bookstore and ravage the Business and Self-Improvement sections, too. This Barnes and Noble list of "Books Every Working Woman Should Read" seems like a great place to start.

In the next week or so, I plan to start organizing my plan at work - which areas I would like to know more about, who I would like to chat with and when the best times to explore would be. Most of our packaging is done in the late afternoons and nights, maybe I need to plan a few nights to come in. I'd like to organize a list of questions that have been lingering in my mind and then find a way to gain answers to them.

I recognize that nobody is going to hold my hand and feed me the information that they worked hard and long to gain over the past 30 years. I have to find it for myself, I have to want it. I've got to take control of my career.

A static mind will never lead me to a successful career. I'm positive that reading thoughts from others will provoke me to relate and ask questions and decipher meaning. I can't wait to see what I think of my career in another 6 months - what I've made of it, what I plan to do with it, what I want from it.

Happy Reading!