Greek Symbols

     I've been busy. Really busy. You know how life kind of takes over, sometimes. Days are long, sleeps are short, weeks are full and downtime is scarce. But my heart, has never been more at peace. This week wraps up my second to last semester of college. I turned in a ten page term-paper tonight (and yes, I somehow still found the desire to write this blog), I've got about 6 hours worth of economics problems to get through by tomorrow night and have a huge exam on Wednesday. Naturally, I'm dreading both of those things.
     But there's an excitement buzzing beneath the cover of my textbook. A little sigh of relief in the zipper of my school bag. It's been a hard semester. There are more inky teardrop stains in my spiral notebook than I'd like to admit, and I certainly could have set aside more of my time here and there instead of procrastinating til last minute on my assignments. But I feel so accomplished.
    I haven't taken a math class since 2009. One of my classes this semester, however, was a 5000 level economics course which was dusted with calculus, statistics and Greek symbols. I had to re-teach myself how to multiply fractions (yes, I forgot) and had to reach out to my math-whiz cousin so he could teach me about derivatives. And I'll be honest, two weeks into the class I had already wanted to call it quits. Yet here I am, 16 weeks later taking my final steps into the light at the end of the supply and demand tunnel.
     But I'm not here to pat myself on the back. Really, I could have given a lot more this semester. I'm just so ready to be done with school.
     I am here, however, to basque in some belonging, and treasure a little bit of happy and a whole lotta love. Like I said, it's been a tough semester. And I've had to set some things in my personal life aside in order to get through it. I left my poor hunny feeling a little lost at times, and had to take a break from my monthly get-togethers with my girlfriends for a while. But I'll tell you what, I've never felt more connected to the people in my life. We may not have been able to see each other as frequently, lately, but we sure have made a point to show up, wholeheartedly, for some pretty important moments...the ones that matter.
     We all have points in our lives when we're working towards a goal and have to disappear for a bit. We all have seasons that are spontaneous, and seasons that are carefully calculated and planned. And despite the individual lives we all lead and the varied goals we all seek to fulfill...we all have a designated spot on our list of priorities for each other. That spot might shift around, it might require some fine-tuning...but it's always there...and it's always tended to in one way or another. My call is always returned. My question is always answered. My feelings are always cared for. And our little friend family just keeps growing stronger....even as our own lives grow busier.
     This morning I attended our second annual Christmas brunch with my five best friends. Every single one of us was there, gift in one hand, mimosa in the other, and the biggest smiles on our faces. I could have spent an entire day sitting in that over-sized booth as our infectious laughter coated every wall of the restaurant. The waiters and patrons zipped past us in every direction, like blurs rushing past the window of a moving car...the six of us in hyper-color focus, as if time was standing still within the confines of our clay-colored booth. Time really does stand still when we are together. I love that about us.

     And just last week we were celebrating Anthony at our favorite little spot over drinks with family and friends...open invitation to whomever could make it out. We were overwhelmed with the turnout, showered with love and support, and surrounded with our favorite people. Anthony and I have been together just shy of three years, and I can't even put into words how much it meant to me to have the most important people in my life show up to support him...especially from such distances. My heart was made a little fuller, that day.
     Another one of my girlfriends is getting married, and yet again, I get to stand next to each one of my best friends on that day. That's a real blessing, right there.
     As this semester comes to a close, and I reflect on what I've gained, I can't help but brush right past my new-found ability of turning a Greek symbol into 100th of a whole number, and instead collect the love captured in moments with my friends and family over the past couple of months.
     I've never been so sure of what my life is made of. I'm not where I thought I'd be by now, but the people standing next to me are the exact people I always dreamed would be there. I've got a man who supports me, challenges me to be better in the best ways possible, and loves me through all my flaws. I've got a group of girlfriends compiled of the world's most balanced personalities, strengths and characters. I've got a big ol' family I wouldn't trade for anything. And pretty soon I'll have an education that I can take with me anywhere. I'm curious to see just how far I can make it travel.

     I'm not where I thought I'd be by now...

  But I sure am happy.

Anger is Never Without a Reason, But Seldom with a Good One

Your ears feel hot. The sounds around you are muffled because the pressure in your ears is so great. And to be honest, you're not paying attention to anything going on around you, anyway. You are just staring...at this tiny speck on the floor. Actually, you realize you're glaring at it with such intensity it might just vaporize into thin air, leaving only a small puff of steam behind to tell the story. Your teeth are clenched and the muscles in your back become stiff. A sense of time escapes you, as if you are in this solitary world made up just you, and this speck. You still haven't lost your concentration, not even to blink. You feel your heart pounding. It's not necessarily racing, but the strength of each heartbeat is so great you can feel it in your throat, gripping your ability to breath. As you sentence the speck on the floor to damnation, you are contemplating your next actions. In this solitary world you currently inhabit, with its thick walls of raw emotion, your list of options is limitless. Your mind rolls, easily, from one thought to the next, contemplating the best options and swapping words you could say for ones with greater potency.  You will be heard, and it will be loud and unmistakable. You have been wronged, but you will make it right.

Ever been here? In a moment of sheer anger?

Ever acted on it? Wished you would have acted with more grace? A bit more finesse?

Ever wished you had taken more time to relieve the pressure behind your ears before reacting?

Anger is a natural human emotion and it can be provoked in so many different ways. You can feel it at different levels, under different circumstances and towards different ideas or people. It can be a slow progression or it can strike in a single instant. It can take you by surprise or you may have been prepared for it. Everyone has experienced anger. It is okay to feel anger. 

Acting on anger, however, can be very dangerous. Often, you have not given yourself enough time to step back and truly weigh your options...and the consequences that follow. More times than not, the consequences of actions committed in anger are not analyzed properly...and sometimes not at all. What you feel is a great way to get your point across can have a million other hidden statements, subtle connotations that twist your initial objective and turn it into something much greater and far more damaging. Or, your actions could completely miss the target and, instead, send your wrath screaming in a different direction, spewing its ammunition onto unsuspecting passersby. 

Anger is powerful, and it can snowball and domino and obliterate. Standing up for yourself and protecting those you love is equally as powerful, but it only has meaning when it is done with purpose and carried out with grace. If others are wronged in the process, who otherwise had no part in it, it was all for not. The pain, then, is no better off than where it began; your cause no better suited than had you left it alone; and the damage no less than how it all started.

Be stronger than your worst days; act with intent and thoughtful purpose in lieu of reacting on raw, unguided emotion. Be aware of the consequences of your actions today, and be honest with yourself years down the road if find you regret them. For there will only be you to blame. 

To my dear friends and family, and the stranger on the street - when moments of anger find you, remember to seek out a clear mind and a full understanding before you make a decision. Consider the consequences and what you might think of yourself in an hour, a day, a year down the road. Don't let the actions of others force you down a road you wouldn't, otherwise, wish to take. Let the lessons learned from others guide you and do not allow anger or fear to cloud your judgement or stand in the way of allowing your best qualities to shine. Love, always.