I've had an itch, for weeks now, to write. But simply put, I haven't felt inspired by anything lately. Life has just been chugging along, with me in tow, and nothing has even attempted to strike the match that lights my creativity. I've been painfully aware of this dull, lack-luster span of time and painfully attuned to the fact that I'm not feeling inspired...by anything.
Am I just not paying attention? Am I letting life slip on by, mindlessly? Have I been too busy to notice the things going on around me? Too consumed by my own schedule that I'm not giving enough of myself to others, to life, to relationships, to the faces of strangers? Or has my jam-packed agenda worn me out, that my soul doesn't have the energy to take in anything else?
I have a full time job, during which I also balance my time as a member of our culture committee. I'm taking classes. I nanny a 5 year old and a 16 month old three to five times a week. And whenever our schedules allow, I squeeze in some time with my boyfriend who works nights.
While I'm busy doing all that, life is still happening. The days on the calendar change without my consent, hours pass like minutes and before I know it, another month has gone by. The holidays plowed in like a high-speed train. In my "down-time" I was shopping and wrapping gifts. Making my list and checking it twice, three times, four times, oh hell. And there are how many holiday parties we had to make it to this year? 5? 6?
I miss my friends. I miss having time to do whatever I want, and a care-free spirit that allows me to do whatever I want. Now I'm budget conscious, relationship conscious, energy conscious, act-like-an-adult conscious. I'm stuck in this in-between where I want to be settled. I want to have a day a week dedicated to cleaning a house I own. I want to be able to come home from work and read a book on the couch after eating a home-cooked meal. Yet, here I am, not making enough money to buy a home, still taking classes and babysitting for cash on the side just to help things along.
I'm making strides every day towards what I want, but I'm not there. And I guess I'm just not feeling excited about where I'm at. I should be, really. In 2014 when I left school and moved home, I was failing at literally everything. I was flunking out of college, I was eating the worst possible "food" known to human-kind, I had shut everyone out and locked myself in. I couldn't pay my bills or rent. I was completely lost. But now, I've got a path that I seem to be travelling fairly well. I've turned my finances around, I'm organized, I've mended my relationships with those I love, I have a steady job that pays descent, I am in a very loving, supportive relationship with my boyfriend and I just received an A- in my last class! Things are good, wouldn't you say?
I want to live a life that is full of "happy." I want to feel inspired by those around me and by myself. I want to see beauty in every day. I'm not saying I need to be in utter awe of my life, at every second. I don't need fireworks every morning and dancing monkeys every afternoon. But I want to feel a sense of belonging, I want to smile just because, and I want to know that I am working towards something bigger than managing 24 hours on repeat. I want the bits between "Once upon a time..." and "happily ever after" to have meaning.
With all that being said, my resolution for 2017 can only be this...to focus on the meaning behind all that I do, rather than just how to do it efficiently. I saw something on Facebook that really stood out to me, recently. Start on January 1 with an empty jar. Each day, write, on a piece of paper, something good that happened to you that day and add it to the jar. At the end of the year, you can dump out the contents of the jar and read through them, reminiscing on what a fantastic year you've had.
It can be so easy to get caught up in clock-watching and to-do-lists. We can so easily miss a very happy moment, or dismiss a kind gesture without even knowing. In 2017 I want to be more present, more alert, more open and accepting so that I might not ever find myself in a place where I am not inspired, challenged, or full of thought, ever again.
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
