A list of 10 things I have discovered through my journey to re-gaining my independence, strength and confidence after a major breakup. A list of 10 things I will carry with me for the rest of my life and apply to whatever scenario I see fit...
1) If you allow yourself, you will come out stronger than before.
I recently heard a song by Ellie Goulding called In My City with the following lyrics: "But you gave me wings and I used them. I used them, I used them on my youth. I used them, and I won't lose them. Now I found my feet, count 1, 2, 3. And I'm taking off tonight, now I'm free. As I walk my feet on the cold concrete and I, and I can feel my dreams when I'm in my city..."
While I don't think the lyrics were meant to coincide with a breakup, they resonated with me, nevertheless. Truly, you will find wings...and you will use them...and you won't ever want to lose them. You will find yourself soaring above everything that hurts in your heart. These wings will carry you right into the next chapter of your life where you're doing the things that you enjoy and you find confidence in yourself. And with that, a whole string of realizations about life, and what you want out of it, will come to face. And you'll never want to come down from that cloud.
2) You don't need anyone to make you whole.
While you may feel like a piece of you is missing...like you've lost your balance, the feeling is temporary. That feeling of emptiness will encourage you to discover new avenues, try new things and push the boundaries of your comfort zone. It will have you searching for ways to occupy your mind, things that make you happy. And doing those things will make you feel whole. It will make you realize that you were never less than whole to begin with, you just lost sight of what your heart really needed.
3) When you break it off, do it completely.
Continuing conversation with your ex only prolongs the negative effects of a breakup. It drags out the pain and it keeps both of you from finding peace with the situation. Yes, even the one who called the shot is hurting. Remove them from everything, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and your phone contacts. And no, you can't keep their parents as an adoptive family. Everything has to go. Say your peace, gather your things, hold your chin high and walk away with your dignity glistening out of your chest. Messy breakups aren't good for anyone.
4) Lean on your friends and family.
They only want to see you happy...use that. Borrow their strength when you're feeling low. Listen to their words when you're feeling discouraged. Don't be afraid to talk about things when you're having a bad day...because you will have them. While I say that you will find strength and confidence, I'm not saying it comes right away..and it definitely doesn't come all at once. However, you will find it - but you have to want it. Your loved ones will help you with that. Cry to your best friend, talk to your mother, explain your feelings and talk them out. You won't want to look for sympathy, rather, look to them for support. Look to them for a sense of belonging and love. They'll have that for you...that's what they are there for.
5) Get out of bed. Go to the gym and be productive.
Keep yourself busy with things that will add to your life. Working out will empower you. You will know that you are bettering yourself...working towards a healthier, happier you. Find yourself a spot on a recreational sport team or join a club or go volunteer. Or do all three. The busier you are, the less time you have to feel sorry for yourself. I find volunteering to be one of the best things you can do with your spare time. It's not as selfless as it sounds, actually. There are huge personal gains to be had from giving to others. Even when you feel low; like you have nothing good to offer anyone, volunteering will show you that you still have worth. It will boost your spirits and if you truly give of yourself, you will walk away with a big smile on your face. The world needs a little help to keep spinning, sometimes. You can offer that.
6) Make lots of changes. Big ones, small ones, scary ones.
I'm not saying uproot your life and make a mess of things. I'm not saying go out there and be reckless. But be a little risky, be spontaneous, take a leap or two. So many things in your life will remind you of your ex. It could be something as small as a ding on your coffee table that they made on accident that one time...but it still stings your heart when you realize they won't be around to ruin anything else of yours. Just go get a new coffee table.
Find some new hobbies. No, no, you don't have to stop doing everything in life that you guys might have shared. But make some new memories that are just yours. Or make new memories to share with new people. Give yourself things to be excited about...challenge yourself. Maybe it's time to get a new job. Maybe change your hairstyle a little bit (don't go crazy, now.) Maybe there have been some things you have been wanting to do, but your ex wouldn't have enjoyed. Go do them. But I'm telling you. Don't. Be. Reckless. It's easy to get carried away with spontaneity. Don't make any life-altering decisions during your self-discovery stage. Don't do permanent things to your body or blow all your money. This is still the only life you get, proceed with caution.
7) Outsmart yourself on your weakest days.
Those bad days I was talking about...you're going to have a lot of them. Despite being productive, despite sincerely wanting to move forward, despite having the greatest support system imaginable, you're going to have moments of weakness. But that's why you deleted their number from your phone and removed them from your Facebook friends when you were feeling empowered. Because you were setting yourself up to make the best decision possible when you're feeling like you could crawl back into their arms. It's so incredibly easy to recall all the good portions of your relationship with your ex and forget the reasoning of the breakup. It's so easy to convince yourself that you want them back...the comfort, the ease, the fact that they knew you so well. Don't go there. Make a list if you need to. Make a list of the positive effects of this breakup. What have you learned about yourself so far? What new things have you done since the breakup? What things do you still want to try? Or, if you aren't feeling inspired by yourself on this particular day...flip it. Write down the things that were bad about your relationship, the things you wish you could have changed. The things you couldn't change. Get some anger brewing, put a bit of hate in your heart. That will fuel your motivation to get past this weakness. Call up that friend you can cry to or go for a run or if it's late, just go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Make a plan to do something exciting, give yourself something to look forward to, something else to focus on. Do the right thing for yourself.
8) Dating is hard.
Especially if you were in a particularly long relationship, getting back into the dating scene is difficult. "Wait, how does this work again?" And you'll probably start getting into it before you're actually ready. That's just fine. You can just date around a little bit to get your footing. You don't necessarily have to find "the right one." That's how this works. Sit in someone else's company for a few hours and then decide whether or not you would like to see them again. If not, no big deal. But be honest with yourself and be honest with your dates. It's not fair to treat these innocent people poorly because you feel insecure or because you're looking for a pick-me-up. You can't use them just as a stepping stone to your own personal agendas. Give it a real try. Listen intently, ask them questions, let loose and make them laugh. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy their company and take good care of their feelings.
9) You will know yourself better than ever before.
For once in probably a really long time, all of your decisions are just about you. You no longer need to calculate the reaction this will evoke from a significant other and you can simply focus on your own needs. It may seem selfish, now...but knowing yourself is the only way to get through life happily. Knowing yourself will only make it that much easier to find that next person to complement you. You won't waste time on people who aren't a good fit, because you'll be well aware of it. Decision-making will be easier and quicker, because you'll know exactly what you want. And if you use this knowledge correctly, you won't waste other people's time either. You'll be able to better communicate your feelings and your desires. You'll be a more prominent you. And that is very visible to others. They won't have to invest as much time in trying to get past your guard to find out who you are...your confidence and self-understanding will radiate off your skin for the world to see.
10) You had to know this one was coming. You'll be just fine.
And there's not much more to it than that. You'll be fine. You'll move forward, you'll move on, you'll be happy. You just have to want it.
I am thankful for my wings, for they have flown me to a place I never would have discovered without them. I hope you find inspiration in your own life and that you find the strength in yourself , to succeed in whatever ways you may need.
