I woke up this morning, no alarm, nowhere to be. I took a shower, made my bed, threw in a load of laundry and ran the dishwasher. I chopped up all the vegetables in my fridge, cooked up some food for the next couple days. I was listening to a shuffle of music and sipping coffee, just cooking away.
And then this song came on, and when it ended, I played it again. I let it wrap me in this meaningful message, that I don't think I'll soon forget. If I had heard this song, just a month ago - I don't think I would have thought twice about it. Give it a listen before you continue reading...I just feel the need to share this with someone. City and Colour: Strangers
This past month has been a whirlwind of change, for so many of us. As you know, the COVID-19 virus is sweeping across the nations, instilling fear, shutting doors, halting businesses, education and sporting events. Where once we saw busy streets, bus stops full of children, rush-hour traffic, bars and restaurants full of people - it's become quiet and slow. The whole world has slowed down. Though it is hard on many, we have seen an outpouring of support from one neighbor to another. It's a strange dynamic - because we will all need to lean on each other more and more in the coming weeks or even months, but it must be done from either side of a 6-foot barrier.
This past month has been especially strange for me, which has only been compounded by the introduction of this widespread virus. For the first time in my entire life, I live alone. No roommate, no significant other, no parents or siblings. Just me. I've been working on truly embracing home-ownership, which, to be honest, initially had me pretty scared. One person to take care of everything - all the bills, all the chores, all the repairs and maintenance - inside and out. But, I was determined to soak this up, find a way to embrace the responsibilities and turn it into something I want to do, versus something I have to do. To view it as a privilege, to have the ability and the desire to be totally self-sufficient and get my priorities in line. To limit distractions, and spend my time with purpose, allowing time for the people and activities that truly align with my goals and make my heart sing. I wrote a blog a while back about my feeling a lack of purpose. I needed a major life change to get back to basics - simplify and start fresh - so that I could begin rebuilding my life with purpose at its core.
I had someone in my life who was no longer serving the better parts of me. I felt so weighed down, small and squashed. The simple parts of life, the ones that should be effortless...felt stressful and over complicated. I felt like a visitor in my own home, an extended guest in a place I had no connection to. I had little faith in the promises I made to myself for my future. The steps I was once taking to build that dream seemed so insignificant and meaningless. I felt so held back, and I knew that if I continued life this way, with someone who wasn't productively passionate about their goals, that I could kiss mine goodbye, too. I had slowly watched my enthusiasm for the future shrink and whither, until I couldn't take it any more. So, I started to make attempts to focus on my personal goals for a while, and stop giving so much attention to the fossilized "you and me, together, goals." I had to make progress somewhere, and if it wasn't going to be our goals together, then it was going to be mine. But then our connection started to tangle. It became strained and started to tear. Focusing on my goals had me running in another direction. We were growing apart. And it became strikingly clear. So I made a change, a major one. I broke off our relationship and began searching for me again.
So here we are, a few months after the breakup and in the middle of my first month alone in the house. It's a lot of adjustment. My first night was really, really hard. The silence and emptiness were crippling. He lived with me for 3 months after we broke up, and I had those full three months to prepare for that first night. I realize now, that no amount of preparation could have stopped the mix of emotions I felt that night. But, I woke up the next day in high spirits. I had gotten through it, and realized that I have not a single thing holding me back from living life the way that is meaningful to me. I spent two weeks organizing, deep-cleaning and rearranging. I finished decorating the living room - rug, coffee table, chair, side tables, throw pillows, pictures, mirrors - the whole nine. I love that room. I'm writing from that room, now. I make my bed every morning, my dirty clothes go straight to the laundry room, my dishes directly into the dishwasher. I am growing a deep connection to this house, my home, for the first time since I bought it almost two years ago. I'm excited to walk through the door after work, I enjoy tidying up and keeping it clean, I'm proud of the decorations and personal touches. I'm. So. Comfortable.
While I'm witnessing these changes in my personal life unfold in front of me, the Novel Caronavirus is forcing change in every other corner of the world, too. I, personally, am very happy for this extra time at home - as actually enjoying my home is a brand new discovery for me. And I truly hope that others, through this period of social distancing and self-quarantine, are able to find similar connections - to their families, spouses, children, to their pets, to their crafts or hobbies. I hope that people use this time with purpose, to refinish that room they never got around to because life was too busy. To find news ways to build on their relationship with their children. To let the slower pace and simpler days teach them patience, kindness, creativity, and peace. I've never spent so much time by myself in my life - I cancelled my birthday celebration with my friends, I'm completely alone in this house (not even a pet!) But I've framed it in positive perspective. I don't know about you, but I needed this.
The world has become so fast-paced. We rush from one scheduled activity to the next. We waste precious time scrolling on social media, hours lost that we don't even take time to add up. Life has gotten so busy that we have to have someone else do our grocery shopping and deliver them to our front doors. The threats surrounding this virus are scary, and the media constantly reminds us how unsafe we are. I truly hope, that families can come together during this time to reconnect and recharge. Remove the sporting events and scheduled drop-offs. Remove the nightlife. Remove the "I'm staying at my friend's house tonight" and what's left are families who have no choice but to turn to each other for companionship and support. I hope that when the world begins to open it's doors again, that we all remember what we have at our cores. Who will be there for us when the lights go out? What truly sets our souls on fire when the distractions are gone? Who do we become, how do we act, in times such as these? Are you proud of the way you lead your life? I hope you find something meaningful to take with you from this experience, a lesson-learned, a deeper connection with yourself or your loved ones...a purpose.
I look forward to the day this threat is minimized and people stop getting sick. But in the meantime, I'll be sitting here in my cozy new living room, re-imagining my future and learning who I am and what my purpose will be. Don't wake me when this is over, just let me drift amidst my dreams.
