Looking Back, Only Long Enough to Reflect and Continue Moving Forward

** This blog is going to a bit of a catch-all. It's going to bounce around and have no real flow of information. But I still hope to keep it entertaining.

Last December, I published a blog post referencing some of the accomplishments and exciting things I had done throughout the previous year. I also listed some things I would like to accomplish in the year following.

Here is that list:

"In the next twelve months...
I hope to bungee jump or sky dive
I will graduate college
I hope to move to a new location
I hope to continue trying new foods
I hope to change my hair style
I hope to make new friends
I hope to travel somewhere I've never been (hopefully multiple places)
I hope to take a vacation to somewhere warm
I hope to have a new job
I hope to lose 40 lbs
I hope to have an even stronger love for my boyfriend
I hope to continue learning and growing as a person
But most of all, I hope to maintain a sense of adventure and enthusiasm for life
I hope to continue surrounding myself with those who matter most
And keep pushing forward towards my goals. 

Happy New Year!"

Well, it's one year later and I wish I could say I've been able to cross all of these off my list, but I really can't. I've only truly accomplished a select few. However, there are a many that I've made progress toward, and I'm happy with progress.

I took this summer by storm. I was extremely spontaneous. I removed my focus from the boundaries of my comfort zone, and instead...simply focused on things I wanted to do and how I was going to do them.

It wasn't bungee jumping and it wasn't skydiving...but it was pretty much the thrill I was seeking. While spending time at "America's Roller Coast" (Cedar Point - Sandusky, OH), my friend Dan and I lost our marbles and took on the SlingShot. This little contraption is nothing more than two bucket seats with chest harnesses, attached to two gigantic bungee cords, one on either side. The tension in the cords builds up and then BAM, you're being flung 360 feet in the air at 62 mph.

My not-so-daring friends took a nice little video for us. Click here if you'd like to see it.

It may not be a "new" location, but it's still a relocation. I'm living back in my hometown, which is so very different than it was when I moved away in 2009. It's busier, roads have been widened, new fitness centers and shopping centers have popped up...its quite the bustling area these days. While its great for the city, I can't say I enjoy the traffic.

I'm always actively looking to try new foods, I don't think I'll ever get tired of that game.

I've had calamari rings, before. But this is a WHOLE octopus. And I ate it.

In August, I dyed my hair for the first time in my entire life. I didn't go crazy or anything - no purple, thank goodness. I simply added a subtle blonde ombré to lighten it up. I fear, however, that I've only awakened the beast. I may be seeking out a new winter look, soon!

I've been much more open to venturing out with new people. I'm fairly proud of myself in how much I've put myself out there. With each new person I meet, it get's a little easier to be myself in situations I once found uncomfortable.

I visited and hiked the Pictured Rocks National Shoreline with my sister. I actually have been there as a child, but I don't remember it (and apparently we took a boat tour, in lieu of hiking.) So, as far as I'm concerned, it's somewhere new to me.

I got a new job! But you can read my earlier posts about that - I won't bore you with details, here.

While still a far cry from my goal weight-loss of 40 lbs, I am down, at this point, 15 lbs exactly.
I've joined a co-ed recreational soccer team, snagged a spot on a bowling league and scored myself a gym membership. I don't really waste much of my time sitting around. I'm usually doing this or working on that - so excessive snacking doesn't really find its way into my day. I've reduced my portion sizes (I seriously cannot comprehend how I was ever able to eat so much food in one sitting before, I simply can't do it, anymore). I've been extremely absent from the gym for the past month, which I'm not happy about. However, even without the gym, I've still been losing weight due to my diet and lifestyle changes. December is a busy month, so I'll set my next short-term goal for January. We'll call it 'Gyming in January'. I like it.

That boyfriend I mentioned, he's out of the picture now. But I've found a very intense love for life, friendship, family and adventure in his place and I couldn't be happier.

Of course, some of these goals will be a continued work-in-progress for 2015. And, not to anyone's surprise, I'm sure - I've got some new goals to add to the list.

I want to wake up when my first alarm goes off, not after I've hit snooze 6 times.
I want to be more vocal about my desire to move forward at work - I'm ready to learn new things.
I need to start kicking my MOH duties into high-gear. It's not always about me.
I've got 5 classes left! Once I have my loan to the university paid off, I need to register for them.
And then I want to absolutely rock those classes. I want to finish stronger than ever before.

I've received a lot of support over the past 5 months. Aside from finding myself and having as much fun as possible, I owe it to those who have helped me to succeed. I want to give it all I've got to make them proud. I know I can do it, but the key is wanting it.

While none of the things on these lists are huge or life-altering, they are important to me. Each of of these things lends insight and puts me one step closer to leading an inspiring life. I don't necessarily mean to inspire other people, everyone has their own goals and desires. I just want to lead myself toward happiness, so that I may be better company to those around me, so that I may have more to offer in times of need and so that I can feel that my time on this earth was meaningful. And if, by sharing my experiences, triumphs, failures and reflections, I am able to inspire others - even better.

I absolutely believe in this saying: "To love others, you must first love yourself."
I just want to be the best human I can be, lend well to this world and be a pleasure to those around me. I want to be able to offer support where it is needed and know to keep quiet where it is not. I want to be a caring friend, a thoughtful daughter, a capable business woman and a patient companion. And when the time comes, I hope to use all that I've learned in these many roles to be a loving, nurturing mother and wife.

I want to be as steady as possible in my own life, so that when it comes to giving back, helping others, being a daughter and a sister and, in time, raising a family...I know I will be able.

10 Things About Having Wings

A list of 10 things I have discovered through my journey to re-gaining my independence, strength and confidence after a major breakup. A list of 10 things I will carry with me for the rest of my life and apply to whatever scenario I see fit...

1) If you allow yourself, you will come out stronger than before.
    I recently heard a song by Ellie Goulding called In My City with the following lyrics: "But you gave me wings and I used them. I used them, I used them on my youth. I used them, and I won't lose them. Now I found my feet, count 1, 2, 3. And I'm taking off tonight, now I'm free. As I walk my feet on the cold concrete and I, and I can feel my dreams when I'm in my city..."
    While I don't think the lyrics were meant to coincide with a breakup, they resonated with me, nevertheless. Truly, you will find wings...and you will use them...and you won't ever want to lose them. You will find yourself soaring above everything that hurts in your heart. These wings will carry you right into the next chapter of your life where you're doing the things that you enjoy and you find confidence in yourself. And with that, a whole string of realizations about life, and what you want out of it, will come to face. And you'll never want to come down from that cloud.

2) You don't need anyone to make you whole. 
    While you may feel like a piece of you is missing...like you've lost your balance, the feeling is temporary. That feeling of emptiness will encourage you to discover new avenues, try new things and push the boundaries of your comfort zone. It will have you searching for ways to occupy your mind, things that make you happy. And doing those things will make you feel whole. It will make you realize that you were never less than whole to begin with, you just lost sight of what your heart really needed.

3) When you break it off, do it completely. 
    Continuing conversation with your ex only prolongs the negative effects of a breakup. It drags out the pain and it keeps both of you from finding peace with the situation. Yes, even the one who called the shot is hurting. Remove them from everything, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and your phone contacts. And no, you can't keep their parents as an adoptive family. Everything has to go. Say your peace, gather your things, hold your chin high and walk away with your dignity glistening out of your chest. Messy breakups aren't good for anyone.

4) Lean on your friends and family. 
    They only want to see you happy...use that. Borrow their strength when you're feeling low. Listen to their words when you're feeling discouraged. Don't be afraid to talk about things when you're having a bad day...because you will have them. While I say that you will find strength and confidence, I'm not saying it comes right away..and it definitely doesn't come all at once. However, you will find it - but you have to want it. Your loved ones will help you with that. Cry to your best friend, talk to your mother, explain your feelings and talk them out. You won't want to look for sympathy, rather, look to them for support. Look to them for a sense of belonging and love. They'll have that for you...that's what they are there for.

5) Get out of bed. Go to the gym and be productive.
    Keep yourself busy with things that will add to your life. Working out will empower you. You will know that you are bettering yourself...working towards a healthier, happier you. Find yourself a spot on a recreational sport team or join a club or go volunteer. Or do all three. The busier you are, the less time you have to feel sorry for yourself. I find volunteering to be one of the best things you can do with your spare time. It's not as selfless as it sounds, actually. There are huge personal gains to be had from giving to others. Even when you feel low; like you have nothing good to offer anyone, volunteering will show you that you still have worth. It will boost your spirits and if you truly give of yourself, you will walk away with a big smile on your face. The world needs a little help to keep spinning, sometimes. You can offer that.

6) Make lots of changes. Big ones, small ones, scary ones.
    I'm not saying uproot your life and make a mess of things. I'm not saying go out there and be reckless. But be a little risky, be spontaneous, take a leap or two. So many things in your life will remind you of your ex. It could be something as small as a ding on your coffee table that they made on accident that one time...but it still stings your heart when you realize they won't be around to ruin anything else of yours. Just go get a new coffee table.
    Find some new hobbies. No, no, you don't have to stop doing everything in life that you guys might have shared. But make some new memories that are just yours. Or make new memories to share with new people. Give yourself things to be excited about...challenge yourself. Maybe it's time to get a new job. Maybe change your hairstyle a little bit (don't go crazy, now.) Maybe there have been some things you have been wanting to do, but your ex wouldn't have enjoyed. Go do them. But I'm telling you. Don't. Be. Reckless. It's easy to get carried away with spontaneity. Don't make any life-altering decisions during your self-discovery stage. Don't do permanent things to your body or blow all your money. This is still the only life you get, proceed with caution.

7) Outsmart yourself on your weakest days.
    Those bad days I was talking about...you're going to have a lot of them. Despite being productive, despite sincerely wanting to move forward, despite having the greatest support system imaginable, you're going to have moments of weakness. But that's why you deleted their number from your phone and removed them from your Facebook friends when you were feeling empowered. Because you were setting yourself up to make the best decision possible when you're feeling like you could crawl back into their arms. It's so incredibly easy to recall all the good portions of your relationship with your ex and forget the reasoning of the breakup. It's so easy to convince yourself that you want them back...the comfort, the ease, the fact that they knew you so well. Don't go there. Make a list if you need to. Make a list of the positive effects of this breakup. What have you learned about yourself so far? What new things have you done since the breakup? What things do you still want to try? Or, if you aren't feeling inspired by yourself on this particular day...flip it. Write down the things that were bad about your relationship, the things you wish you could have changed. The things you couldn't change. Get some anger brewing, put a bit of hate in your heart. That will fuel your motivation to get past this weakness. Call up that friend you can cry to or go for a run or if it's late, just go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Make a plan to do something exciting, give yourself something to look forward to, something else to focus on. Do the right thing for yourself.

8) Dating is hard.
    Especially if you were in a particularly long relationship, getting back into the dating scene is difficult. "Wait, how does this work again?" And you'll probably start getting into it before you're actually ready. That's just fine. You can just date around a little bit to get your footing. You don't necessarily have to find "the right one." That's how this works. Sit in someone else's company for a few hours and then decide whether or not you would like to see them again. If not, no big deal. But be honest with yourself and be honest with your dates. It's not fair to treat these innocent people poorly because you feel insecure or because you're looking for a pick-me-up. You can't use them just as a stepping stone to your own personal agendas. Give it a real try. Listen intently, ask them questions, let loose and make them laugh. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy their company and take good care of their feelings.

9) You will know yourself better than ever before.
    For once in probably a really long time, all of your decisions are just about you. You no longer need to calculate the reaction this will evoke from a significant other and you can simply focus on your own needs. It may seem selfish, now...but knowing yourself is the only way to get through life happily. Knowing yourself will only make it that much easier to find that next person to complement you. You won't waste time on people who aren't a good fit, because you'll be well aware of it. Decision-making will be easier and quicker, because you'll know exactly what you want. And if you use this knowledge correctly, you won't waste other people's time either. You'll be able to better communicate your feelings and your desires. You'll be a more prominent you. And that is very visible to others. They won't have to invest as much time in trying to get past your guard to find out who you are...your confidence and self-understanding will radiate off your skin for the world to see.

10) You had to know this one was coming. You'll be just fine.
    And there's not much more to it than that. You'll be fine. You'll move forward, you'll move on, you'll be happy. You just have to want it.

I am thankful for my wings, for they have flown me to a place I never would have discovered without them. I hope you find inspiration in your own life and that you find the strength in yourself , to succeed in whatever ways you may need.

Seeking: Men Who Wear Camo in Martini Bars

I wear many faces...but all of them are truly mine.

    During the week, I'm in bed by 10pm, I wake up early and have an hour commute to work. I wear slacks and hide my cleavage, like a good little professional. I try to eat healthy and make it to the gym every once in a while. I don't get around to watching much TV or snacking on a bunch of potato chips...I pretty much just stick to what I need to do.
    On most weekends, I like to let loose. I like to see my friends and drink beer and scarf down a good burger. I like to stay up late so I can sleep in. I like to do fun, adventurous things and meet new people. I try to keep up with my Detroit sports, and I always feel like I will fit in a few loads of laundry - but let's face it...weekends are too damn short.
    There are times I like to get all dolled up and wear a pair of heels and some bright red lipstick. I like a good night out on the town with my girlfriends, tracking down free drinks and engaging in interesting, alcohol-fueled conversation with complete strangers at the bar. I like walking along the downtown streets at night, heels in hand, eyes on the stars above.
    On the other hand, there are weekends where I want to wear a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt. I want to throw a can of Bud Light in a koozie with some unladylike saying on the side and sit on a truck tailgate next to a roaring fire. I like to ride shotgun down old dirt roads and explore abandoned houses and fire off rounds at some silly target a few acres back.
    I'm not afraid of getting my hands dirty, I'm not scared of a toolbox and trust me when I say "I can do it," you better let me try. Then, there are times where I just want to be pampered. But we all need that, sometimes, right?
    I feel so completely in between labels...I'm not a "city girl" by any means...but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the night-life and the artistic, creative ways downtown has a way of bringing people together. If I had to pick a side, I easily would say I'm more "country girl" than anything, but I would love to bring some city elements with me. When I envision my lifestyle 10 years from now...I picture myself living on a country road on a big piece of land. I see a country-style exterior house with all the perks of a modern home on the inside - obviously with some Shelby flare to spice up the decor. There are a couple horses in the back, an awesome tree house for the kids and a big ol' pole barn for its plethora of uses. And just a few miles away, my starry-skied, red-lipstick nights-out-on-the-town will be waiting for me on a Friday night.
    I know that's what I want. I am positive that that's who I am and who I want to be.

Now I just need to find my perfectly in between city-country boy to rock my world. One who dresses up nice for work, keeps his hands clean when he needs to, but loves to throw on those work boots and make his dreams become his reality.

Question is...where do I meet him? You don't see many men wearing camo in a martini bar these days....

Whatever's Good for Your Soul...Do That.

It's like waking up on a Sunday morning with a warm sun glowing through the window

When your head feels as though it rested peacefully on a floating cloud of wafting feathers

There's a glimmer of serenity in the air, a feeling of overall harmony in the surrounding space

You lay there, for just a moment, with a smile on your face

And you just know its going to be a good day

That's what it feels like. 

That's how it feels to finally realize a sense of pure certainty in yourself. Not so much in your abilities or your progress towards a goal. It has nothing to do with career advancements or how much money you were able to save. It's about the soul; the real, down-to-the-gritty truth in yourself. The part of you that doesn't care about rhyme or reason, doesn't guide itself along the boundaries of social norms or care to conform. Its the part of you that builds the basis for every single thing that you do. It's the part of you that builds your immediate reactions to every factor of life. It's what causes those gut-wrenching notions of instinct; your first impression of the happenings around you. 

Your soul is the basis of your being, where every decision starts, where every reaction stems, where your true self lies. Your soul is your raw personality, before you let the brain take over and mix in forward thinking, rationale, and consequential patterns. 

But if you let it, your soul can be suffocated. It will shrink and whither. It will ache, like a thousand broken hearts. It's possible to allow your soul to be overshadowed...belittled. And when that happens, your decision-making process becomes clouded. Where, once, there was a strong pull in one direction or another to get you started...you have no sense of certainty either way. No real connection to any decision that you make in your life. Instead of considering your truest desires, you become an outsider in your own body...blindly following the lead of those around you. You become guided purely by the path of least resistance and no longer by the conditions that make your heart sing.

Living this way is what leads to a meaningless life. What are you working towards, if not towards happiness? What does life truly provide to those who do not smile? What is a day worth if it adds nothing to the strength with which you will enter into tomorrow?

But when you strip away everything else in life...the impact that other people have on you, your hunger for money or acceptance, and the social status that your exude...you can capitalize on what your soul aches for. When you have certainty in yourself, to hear your soul's side of the argument, and really listen...that's when life becomes good. When you're sure of who you are and when you don't feel inclined to hide that in the shadows...that's when you find happiness.

That's where you'll find your warm sunny morning.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again.

    When I packed up my life in West Michigan to move back to my hometown this summer, I had absolutely no idea what I would end up doing for work. It was all so unexpected, and very sudden. I put in my two-weeks with my current employer at the time, and began packing up my belongings - picking around all my roommate's possessions and trying not to make too big of a mess. I had never done anything so sporadic or unplanned in my life. But when you're in a place where absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, is going right, what do you have to lose?

    Just as quickly as I had managed to stuff the five years worth of life-accumulation into boxes, we had it all loaded into my dad's commercial van and toted across the state. It was done. There was no looking back at the things that brought me down. There was no possibility of continuing on the meaningless path I had somehow managed to get stuck on. I had left every single thing I knew about my life behind, in the city that taught me some of my greatest pleasures and undoubtedly, my worst hardships. I took what I needed with me, and everything else became but a mere memory in a matter of hours. And with that, I gave myself a chance to start completely fresh. A new beginning that now, I'm sure, was the best possible thing I could have done for my future.

   At the end of July, just over a month from the day I moved back East, I landed a job in Logistics with the Detroit Media Partnership. With this job, I took the very first steps into my career in Supply Chain - which I couldn't be more pleased about. Quite surprisingly to myself, I was chosen for this position without having finished my degree, yet (although I'm so incredibly close.) I feel blessed to be making decent money, doing something that I enjoy and that I know will lend well to my career decisions in the future - all before finishing school. While I am not taking classes currently, I will be enrolling for the Winter 2015 semester for online classes through Grand Valley State and on-campus classes at Wayne State.

   As for right now, I'm doing all that I can to learn the in's and out's of the newspaper industry, the importance of our advertisers, and of course the Operations - which I am most heavily involved. I am so enjoying this learning experience and find the whole process to be quite fascinating. My largest and most important duty, to date? Creating the packaging plans - what inserts will go into what papers, when the machines will run and for how long and ensuring that what goes out to our customers is correct. The responsibility is massive and I feel the pressure coming from all directions. And let me tell you, its an amazing feeling. For the first time in over a year, I feel like I am serving a purpose...like I'm working towards something...like I'm doing something right. 

While the first few weeks of training were a bit slow-moving, I'm starting to really get acquainted with the duties tasked to me and the reasoning behind everything I do. Each day, I find myself interacting with a new process and multiple new people. I'm starting to feel like I have a presence. While I know this will likely be short-lived, whenever the phone on my desk rings I get excited...someone actually needs my help. Someone is purposely seeking me out...me, the new girl. I like to think that means I'm doing something right. I'm receiving emails from other departments seeking my assistance, people seem to understand my responsibilities and what I can and cannot help them with and my boss is watching over my shoulder less and less. I'm gaining confidence in myself and finally feel like I'm doing something meaningful with my time.

    Today, I was given a radio at work so that I can easily communicate with the people in my department, as well as the departments we interact with. Being privy to the conversations going on around me has really opened my eyes and given me insight into how others perceive the processes and how so many people play different roles to ensure an effective work day. I can now see a bit more of the bigger picture. 

I am really enjoying my journey, venturing into an industry I know nothing about. Although it is a struggling industry, it still has a lot to offer and creates a challenge - which I always love. I look forward to the day that I am able to offer my own perspective and suggestions as to how we can remain with the times and adapt as customer expectations evolve. A fresh start, a brand new challenge and a completely different way of life has given me the opportunity to find excitement, again. I will continue to absorb the new information surrounding me until my next challenge arises. The unknown no longer frightens me - I actually welcome it.

Continuous Improvement

What is it to learn? I mean to really learn. Sure, you can sit in a classroom and frantically scribble down the most prominent words of sentences that someone once heard and, now, is regurgitating to you. Yea, you can read what McGraw-Hill and Prentice Hall have decided is worthy-enough information to publish in a textbook. Mind you, this is the same textbook that thousands of other students around the world will devour, chapter by chapter, only to make a grade on their exam and, no sooner, put the information out of their mind. Absolutely, you can sit by while someone shows you, step-by-step, how to perform a task on a computer or change a spark plug on a vehicle. And while you are surely being taught, are you really learning? Or are you merely remembering? Maintaining a series of steps in a particular sequence in your head so that you might be able to mimic the task at hand?

I know I've said it a million times: "You'll never guess what I learned, today..." And then I'll go on to demonstrate something my ex showed me how to do, or give a synopsis of a lecture in one of my college courses. But really, when I sit back and think about it, other than storing information and presumably being able to recreate a situation at a later date, I'm never able to convince myself that I truly learned anything.

To me, learning has more to do with life, and the trials and tribulations that go along with it. Its about taking the underlying lessons from any given moment in life, carrying the lesson into a value-adding mindset, and using it to better yourself in the future. 

My dad recently said to me, "Ya know, Shel, you can't always learn things the hard way." I just nodded in agreement with him when he first said it, but upon some personal reflection on the statement, I think I've gained a greater understanding of what he truly meant by it. 

For the better part of my 23.5 years on Earth, I've managed to learn all my lessons, and I mean all of them, the hard way. I allowed my actions to fly freely, without creating any reservations derived from a preceding logical thought process. Instead of working towards damage prevention, I allowed whatever may happen to happen, and then played game after game of 52-card-pickup to sort through the aftermath of my actions. Without a doubt, anybody who knows me would be unable to tell you any different. I consistently and knowingly allowed myself to fall between a rock and hard place just to have to dig myself out again, time after time. I loved it. And every time that I managed to wriggle my way out of a tough situation, sometimes by only the skin on my nose, I felt an overwhelming sense of ability, invincibility, and know-how.

                 But doesn't that get exhausting? Don't you get tired of cleaning up the mess you made?

Somehow, amazingly, I still enjoy flying by the seat of my pants. Regardless of what situation I've gotten myself into in the past, I've always found a way to come back out on top. I've "learned" that if I can find the drive, I can find a way to get through it. "Where there's a will, there's a way," right?

And then, my mind makes it's way back to my father's statement. Why can't I continue to live life this way? If it's worked in the past, it'll work again. Learning the hard way is how I learn things. Wait....learn what? What I have I really learned? I haven't learned a damn thing. I've only recognized a pattern and accepted it as the way of life. Fall down, get back up. But isn't that just repetition? Isn't that just recalling how to do the same thing, over and over again?

To learn, would be to take conscious note of how many times I've had to pull myself up off my knees and fight to keep my chin held high. To learn, would be to walk away from each one of those situations with the ability to use what I've learned to keep myself from falling down the next time around. To learn, would be to grow, to gain stride, to move forward. And, if I'm truly learning, these moments of hardship will make less frequent appearances. And if I take full advantage of the knowledge to be gained from my faltering moments, my troubled tears would be few and far between.

Here's to learning the easy way. Here's to continuous improvement. Here's to a more productive next 23.5 years. 

Cheers! Xo 

Success is Not Final, Failure is Not Fatal; It is the Courage to Continue That Counts

Sometimes, in life, everything just falls apart.  

You feel like you're not moving towards anything...nothing at all. You can't afford to buy groceries, a week's worth of dishes are piled up in the sink and you don't even want to get out of bed. You hate your job and your relationships have faltered. Suddenly, everything you thought you knew about where you were headed and what you wanted, doesn't make a bit of sense.  

Sometimes, in life, you can't help but to feel that you're at your lowest point. 

You internalize, because you feel so embarrassed about the shape you're in. You start to discount your goals, because, at this rate, you just know you'll never reach them. You simply start settling for less. 

And when you're at your worst, it would not be proper for life to let you off the hook, just yet. Instead, you'll lose your job, or your house will flood, or your car will spontaneously combust and dismember into a million different pieces. Whatever it may be, it will surely throw you over the edge at maximum speed with no brakes and no soft landing in sight. 

And when you're breathlessly sobbing in the middle of your living room floor with your hands clenched into mini wrecking balls and your knees tucked close to your chest, only then, have you truly arrived at Destination: Rock Bottom.

I know that many people reach this point at least once in their lifetime. And I know that everyone will handle their situation differently. They have different resources available to them, a different support system, different means of getting by.

But for me, my family is my savior. My parents, now in their mid-50's, drove three hours across the state in a commercial van. They loaded up every single one of my belongings, like a real-life version of Tetris, into the back of this van and carted me off to a new beginning. As I followed them down the highway, I thought: "Here are my parents, despite the distance, despite the hardships in my relationship with them over the past year or so, despite the reason or the cause...here they are. Doing whatever it takes to help me, to give me the opportunity to build my life back up. Here they are, loving me...truly, unconditionally.

I cried for a good 45 minutes of that drive, as I followed my bedroom furniture and kitchen utensils down I-96. I had cried so, so many tears over those few months of desperation, but these were the first of the happy tears. The overwhelming pressure of pure love kept pushing tears down my cheeks like I hadn't cried in years. I felt an immense sense of gratitude towards my parents, who were glimmers of hope navigating their way through the debris of my broken heart. All I could do was cry.

Although I have many things yet to take care of in Operation: New Start, I am astounded at how quickly I have bounced back to high spirits. I dove, head-first, into being happy. I spent as much time as possible with friends, shared many meals, conversations and adventures with my family, and I just started a new job that I'm extremely proud of. I kept myself busy with DIY projects and going to the gym and simply doing things that I enjoy.

While it takes personal effort and a large amount of desire to succeed, I absolutely could not have turned my life around like this...without my family. They gave me just the right amount of shoulder to lean on, some tough love to motivate me and, once again, a roof over my head until I'm back on my feet. I would like to think that any parent would do the same for their child, but the hard truth is that not every parent would...not every parent can. I, in no way, feel that I am all-deserving of the support I received, but boy am I ever grateful. Grateful to have truly caring and loving parents, grateful to be where I am, grateful to be smiling and  for each step I take towards a successful life.

There are a few lessons learned that I would like to capitalize on:
1) A strong family is the most beautiful blessing you will ever receive.
2) No matter how deep your pain or how heavy the circumstances, you can always find the strength you need to inch towards a better life.
3) Hitting rock bottom is actually beneficial, albeit those benefits may be disguised by heartache, tears and loss of direction.
4) Never settle.

Although its not nearly enough, a huge, heartfelt Thank You goes out to my Subjects of Honor, Mike and Sue Jackson, for saving me from my Twenty-Something-Life-Crisis.

To My Mother

A tribute to my mother, of course to celebrate her accomplishments and abilities as an amazing Mom on Mother's Day. But also to acknowledge her strength and courage in the toughest of times, for maintaining her rock formation when all the pressure built up around her, and for enduring, some of what I can only imagine to be, the hardest moments a parent has to go through. You amaze me.

Here is a song that always makes me think of you, Mom, (because truly, you have always been the one woman who could do it all):



Through talking to my mother throughout the years, I gather more and more insight into the emotional and physical trials my parents went through when our youngest sister, Stephanie, was born, unexpectedly, with Spina Bifida in 1992. Just think of the information they had to learn and the changes they had to make in order to properly care for Stephanie. All of this, alongside maintaining a life for their other two children, Amy (the oldest) and myself. If there was ever a day my parents couldn't give me the attention I wanted or needed, I surely don't remember it.

Looking back at my childhood, I feel blessed. I know I've said this time and time again...but as a child of the Jackson household...we traveled and saw mountains and oceans and Disney Land. We hiked trails and went down water slides. We cooked meals over a roaring bonfire and absolutely lived for Christmas mornings. We got to play sports, and lots of them. We could play an instrument or kick a ball or shoot a basket...we could do whatever our little hearts desired (within reason, of course.) If my mother was ever troubled at any point during my childhood...I surely knew nothing of it and never saw an ounce of its aftermath. Life was good. I had friends down the street and learned to ride a bike with no hands, we had the world's best dog and a backyard full of lush green grass and a playset that doubled as a hideout, a lunch spot, a daredevil's paradise. We had a home....a really, really good one.

Now of course, these days have gotten away from us as we 'kids' have started our adult lives. But the memories are powerful and beautiful. I look around at some families today and feel sad that they don't have the same opportunities we were given as children. The memories of my childhood and the ache I feel for children who will grow up without similar ones...puts a drive in my soul to provide my future family with the best childhood they can have...just like mine.

Through all these years and all these memories...one thing always remained true. My mother was strong. She faced some really tough times as a parent of three young children. And just this past year, she was thrown into the ring again. We found out that my younger sister, Stephanie, needed a kidney. Both of her kidneys were failing at an alarming rate. Stephanie lost so much weight, and the symptoms started appearing one after another. With my older sister Amy, and myself out of the house, my parents were left to deal with this pretty much on their own. All the doctors appointments and medications, the diet changes and the fear. When new news came about, my mother informed me with a cool and collected tone. She remained strong and took the necessary actions, when all I could do was cry for my sister and ache for her healing. I know my mother pained and feared for Stephanie, of course she did...she is her daughter. I know my mother felt helpless at times. But I also know that through all of that, Stephanie found a kidney and is so much healthier and happier, because my mother (and father, of course) was strong and persevered through the agony only a mother can feel when her child is suffering.

I didn't realize, in the moment, all that you had gone through, Mom. I didn't realize that I could have done more to help, to be there. I don't think I allowed myself to fully comprehend all the stress and fear going on at home while I was miles away. And I am deeply regretful and sorry that I didn't do more to be more supportive and helpful. We are so lucky to have you in our corner, a mother who's main concern is the health and success of her children.

You are amazing every year, you grow every year, you are the world's best mother...every year. And I've always known that. But this year...you went above and beyond. When so many others would have burnt out and broken down...you maintained your ferocity. You not only maintained your ability to be  'Mom of the Year', but you flourished. Every single person out there that knows Stephanie's story, and how strong and feisty she was through all of this, also knows that her mother was beside her every step of the way doing whatever it took to make it through. This year, your "Momability" reached beyond us three girls. This year, you inspired those around you. This year, you triumphed and showed that Mom is Mom no matter what age your kids are. This year, you etched something new on my heart, a pride...an emotion, that will be there until the end of time. And in my own time as a mother, I hope to feel that mark tingle and burst out of my own chest in a time of need. Because, Mom, every woman out there can only hope to be half the woman you are.

I love you, Mom. My strong, beautiful, caring mother. My giver-of-life. My provider. My protector. My healer. My tear-catcher. My supporter. My inspiration. 

I once was lost, but now am found. Or I'm hoping to be found, anyway.

- What truly makes me happy?
- What will my life look like in two or three years?
- Will I be happy, then?
- Am I happy, now?
- Do I spend enough time doing the things I love?
- Do I see the people I care about often enough?
- Am I making the best effort that I can to lead an inspiring life?
- How can you inspire others if you aren't inspiring yourself, first?
- Lack of money is a problem.
- I need to live life for myself, not to please or impress other people.
- I have the most wonderful friends, I'm going to visit them more frequently.
- The day-to-day as a college student has gotten sad and tired
- My life has very little meaning right now, what can I do to add some color and excitement?
- How can I utilize my creativity? I really want to make things...

I am going to work towards finding the answers to some of these questions and to incorporate some of these desires into my life.

Someone extremely important and close to me recently made a statement to me that really struck hard:

"The Shelby I know is strong and works hard for what she wants. I don't see her, anymore."

I'm going to get my strength back. I'm going  to find what it takes to place the things I love back at the top of my list. I think I've lost sight of what it is I truly want. How can you work towards a goal you don't even have? How can you tell the strides you're making if there is no finish line?

Taming the Birds that Turn our Tongues to Fools

It's not worth all the hurt
or the tension between us
It won't do any good
to let emotions fly free
I'd struggle to say
all the words I've been thinking
They'll come out all wrong
and we'll both end up hurting

So tonight
I'll lay down my head
On a pillow of conscience
I'll dream of the life
our memories once shared
I'll lock all those thoughts
way down deep in my soul
and pray
for a better tomorrow

It's not worth all the hurt
or the tension between us
It won't do any good
to let emotions fly free
I'd struggle to say
all the words I've been thinking
They'll come out all wrong
and we'll both end up hurting

And when morning comes
I know I'll be free
Free of the hate
You brought me to, dear
I'll walk a little taller
than I did the day before
And I'll keep on walking
until the hurt, hurts no more

So tonight
I'll lay down my head
on a pillow of conscience
after I've swallowed my pride
and grown a bit stronger
Because its just not worth all the hurt
or all the tension between us
And it just won't do any good
to let all these emotions fly free

Growing Up...and Throwing Up.

   First, you wait in a line. A long, long line that wraps and curves into an endless maze of shuffling feet and a roar of different conversations. You spend way too much time examining the back of someones head, the tag sticking out of their shirt and their shoelace that is slowly coming untied. Then, finally, you feel like you're rounding the last bend in the metal railings that cage you in behind the lucky son-of-a-gun who gets to go before you...just to realize you're approaching yet another series of wrapping lines. You make a quick estimate of how long it will take you to get through it all and mindlessly begin shuffling along, once again.
    After what seems like three weeks of standing in line, you finally get to the front. You sit down in the hard plastic bucket seat and strap yourself in, good and tight. Then a man, in high-wasted khaki shorts pulls on the seat belt with all his strength, pinching your waist smaller than you thought humanly possible. As if that's not enough, a second pair of khaki shorts walks up and pushes down on the body harness squeezing your lady-bits or manhood to nonexistence. The thought of there being even the slightest possibility of you falling out of this miniature locomotive while being flipped and twisted backwards and upside down, is now completely diminished. Yes sir. You. Are. Safe.
    The crew all put their approving thumbs high up in the air, and the track lets out a great sigh of relief as the brakes are released and the carts begin to roll forward. As you exit the loading platform, the apologetic eyes of onlookers stare deep into your soul, judging your ability to handle what comes next by the expression you wear on your face. "Oh, she's done this a million times." "Uh oh, someone must have lost a bet, they're as white as a ghost," "That one's gonna hurl for sure."
    But as a first-time rider, nobody dares to tell you that fifteen seconds in you will drop at a ninety-degree angle straight to the ground just before being ripped back up into the sky and violently twisted upside down eight hundred times in a row. If they told you these things, you'd never even get in that seat. If they told you that when you get off the ride you'll be so dizzy that you can't walk straight for days, you would tie yourself to a tree and dare them to even try to get you to go. If they told you that you'd come out on the other side looking like all the green things in the world took residence on your skin, you'd tell them to get lost. So instead, they smile a bright smile and tell you it will be the ride of your life.

    But really, this crazy flippy, twisty, high-speed ride is life. You take 110-degree turns, travel so fast, at times, that your eyes water and occasionally ride through pitch-black tunnels where you can't even see your hand in front of your face. Your stomach might get sick, your head might feel like its screwed on backwards and you might feel like you've completely lost your way. One minute you're gliding along in a smooth straight line and the next you're upside down being soaked to the bone by a massive waterfall. There will most likely be a point where you'll think to yourself, "Okay, let me off this thing." And when the ride doesn't stop, you might get frustrated. But its nobody's fault...it's just life.