Wielding Intention

Let go. 

Let go of whatever brings unrest to your life. Let go of whatever no longer serves you. Let go of what you no longer feel pulled towards. Let go of expectations (phew, that's a big one.) Let go of the past and the people who live there. Let go of relying on others..for anything. Let go of the versions of you who no longer feel authentic. Let go of those who don't see your value. Let go of those who don't respect your time. Just let go.

Let them. 

Let them chase their own happy (or their own chaos.) Let them think whatever and however they do. Let them make their assumptions. Let them prioritize what they need to. Let them show up, or not. Let them choose their path, their journey and their mindset. Just let them. 

Show up.

Show up for the people who add value to your life. Show up for the memorable moments. Show up for the things that spark joy, growth and adventure. Show up for yourself (because you're the only person you're relying on, remember?) Show up for what matters to you. 

Be present. 

Be present in the here and now. Be present for whatever you chose to show up to. Be present for whomever you chose to show up for. If you can't be present, you shouldn't have showed up. 

I've made a concerted effort to wrap my life in these ideologies, lately. I've made decisions for myself that took pressure out of my day, lifted weight from my shoulders and and minimized stress on my heart. As I'm getting all this down in words, I can't help but feel like I'm speaking in cliches. But adopting this mindset with more awareness and intention has had profound changes on my life. 

Some decisions have led to tangible results. There are people in my life who I've allowed to drift away, slowly. Relationships I've stopped pouring into. And there have been some separations that I've handled more immediately, with more finality. There are others, though, that I have prioritized; reframed and built stronger. I've sold, donated and trashed material items I had been holding on to for no good reason. I've repurposed space in my home to better support my hobbies, to nurture a positive mood or to serve a a more useful purpose.          

Mostly, though, what has resulted has been more behind the scenes. More felt than seen. A sense of stark clarity, of becoming. I am confident in my ability to say "no." I no longer feel called to action by the expectations of others. For so long, how I felt I should spend my time was largely controlled by the expectations I perceived others had of me. I'll never know if that perceived pressure was real or if my own insecurities dreamed them up. But you know what? I don't require the answer to that question. It doesn't matter; it's in the past. It's part of a version of me I've been able to let go of. 

I am so very content in my own company. That's not always been the case; quite the opposite, really. I used to fill all my time with ativities, meet ups and outings. If I didn't have something on the agenda, if I had too much time to myself, I would spiral into a ball of anxiety. Subconciously, I think I was so fearful of where my own mind would take me without the distractions. Afraid of my own thoughts. Afraid of the let down, the realization that without all of these outside measures, I didn't feel inspired by who I was...I didn't feel anything. 

My time spent alone with my thoughts, now, feels more opportunistic. Where once, it felt aimless and chronically burdensome. I am still searching, still striving for some belonging; but it doesn't feel heavy like it used to. It doesn't feel like a problem I can't solve...it feels like freedom. Like I'm staring at a high quality piece of drafting paper with every possible drawing tool laid out in front of me. Some I have to learn how to use, but they are there if I want to try. I imagine that page will soon be filled with whisps of color, a million non-linear markings, droplets of water spreading ink in organic composition. Pencil shavings echoing the vibrations of life. 

What a gift, really, to be able to learn the art of intention.

A Summer Rain

Like the big, heavy raindrops that fall from the summer sky every now and again. The ones you can hear when they make contact with earth. The ones that refused to fall, that held on to that cloud for as long as they could, until the weight of it all just became too great. And they had to let go.

You wonder what made those raindrops bigger than the rest. What environmental factors were at play to allow them to get so big before they fell? Sometimes we just get a wet mist, like the whole cloud descended and engulfed us and we're just swimming in the particles. But sometimes the raindrops feel like rare meteors that traveled unimaginable distances. They cause us all to turn our eyes to the sky to take it in. Like we've never seen rain before. Those water bombs demanding our attention, putting on an entire Broadway show willing us to respond with a standing ovation. Performance of the year. 

It feels like that. Awe and mystery disguised like a familiar friend. 

All in one breath...
Life is beautiful and confusing. My world is exactly as I've planned it and completely unpredictable. I'm the happiest I've ever been and deeply troubled. I have everything I've dreamed of but the dreams keep taking new form. I am in complete control but the ground I stand on keeps moving.

I am whole and shattered.

I am set back on my heels, almost weekly; a moment of silence for the life I've built, the privileges I enjoy, the peace I'm able to rely on when I need grounding. I am so grateful and often in disbelief that I'm able to live my life in full authenticity; leading truly from my unaltered core. I live life for me. The decisions I make and what I commit to are entirely based on what serves me. What brings joy to my heart, what supports my peace and aligns with my personality. If it doesn't serve me, chances are I'm not doing it. And to some, maybe that seems callous. 

But I've never been more in tune with the intricacies of my own identity; where I thrive, where my demons are buried and how to strike the perfect balance of productivity & relaxation, growth & comfort. I am deeply introspective, analyzing my emotional response to different situations and seeking to understand how I relate, cope, counter, balance, avoid, and overcome. I've spent so much time getting to know me. Ignoring what allows me to be the truest version of me would be entirely wasteful. 

But there's this little corner of my soul, one that starts to get loud every now and again. Growing big and powerful like those really heavy raindrops. It's full of questions, doubts, what-if's and maybes. It's an undoing of all the things I know to be true. It's complex and full of extremely intelligent arguments against the peaceful and comfortable parts of my life. It exudes urgency and threatens upheaval. It manifests dramatic change and expansion, the kind that undoubtedly leaves permanent stretch marks in its wake. A reminder of meaningful sacrifice. 

I am so grounded with deep roots to support the weight of who I’ve become, who I’ve built myself to be. But these heavy raindrops loom overhead, threatening to wash it all away. And they’re clinging to the clouds. But I know one day, the weight of it all will become too great. And I’ll be forced to rip these roots clear out of the ground and earn some new stripes. I know I’ll wear them proudly, like a tattoo telling my story. In the aftermath, I’ll dig through the debris and collect the most precious bits of me. I’ll build new roots, stronger and in new directions.  I’ll discover a new and shiny type of peace, one I never knew before. And it will all have been worth it. But the calm before the storm is the scariest part. You just don’t know what’s ahead.

I am whole and shattered.

Quilted Thirty

It's taken thirty years to get here. Heartache and growing pains. Shifting, moving, replacing, eliminating, choosing. Lessons learned, do-overs and try-agains. Tears, many of those. Some tears that tore through flesh and bone from the depths of the most buried parts of my soul. Others that gently seeped from the outermost layers of my skin like a glistening dew. This new skin that grew to cover my scars and make me feel beautiful again. This new skin that I willed to grow through my hardest moments. Repeatedly healing the wounds that split wide open, forcing me to start over. I worked to patch the old skin that had dried up and flaked off due to misreading the care label stitched on the inside. I continued to ask myself for healing, for new skin to grow where I needed it most. 

For my 30th birthday, I gave myself that new skin. It's stitched together like a patchwork quilt. The thread made up of strings of letters I've written myself. Love letters written to me, in my own handwriting. Though you can't see the seams from the outside, I can feel them. As life brushes against my arm in passing, I can feel it snag a bit where two patches meet. A little friction, a slight tug. But the seams are strong. The stitching, like a quality weld, meant to hold against the pressure and the test of time.

When I run the tips of my fingers across my bare chest, I can feel those seams. The skin there is just a little thicker than the rest. And it brings a smile to my face. A sense of certainty and knowing. I trust those jagged lines with my life. They will protect me when I need it most. They will serve as reminders of my strength and resilience. They make me feel beautiful and strong. They are peace. They are thirty.

Don't Wake Me When This is Over

I woke up this morning, no alarm, nowhere to be. I took a shower, made my bed, threw in a load of laundry and ran the dishwasher. I chopped up all the vegetables in my fridge, cooked up some food for the next couple days. I was listening to a shuffle of music and sipping coffee, just cooking away.

And then this song came on, and when it ended, I played it again. I let it wrap me in this meaningful message, that I don't think I'll soon forget. If I had heard this song, just a month ago - I don't think I would have thought twice about it. Give it a listen before you continue reading...I just feel the need to share this with someone. City and Colour: Strangers

This past month has been a whirlwind of change, for so many of us. As you know, the COVID-19 virus is sweeping across the nations, instilling fear, shutting doors, halting businesses, education and sporting events. Where once we saw busy streets, bus stops full of children, rush-hour traffic, bars and restaurants full of people - it's become quiet and slow. The whole world has slowed down. Though it is hard on many, we have seen an outpouring of support from one neighbor to another. It's a strange dynamic - because we will all need to lean on each other more and more in the coming weeks or even months, but it must be done from either side of a 6-foot barrier.

This past month has been especially strange for me, which has only been compounded by the introduction of this widespread virus. For the first time in my entire life, I live alone. No roommate, no significant other, no parents or siblings. Just me. I've been working on truly embracing home-ownership, which, to be honest, initially had me pretty scared. One person to take care of everything - all the bills, all the chores, all the repairs and maintenance - inside and out. But, I was determined to soak this up, find a way to embrace the responsibilities and turn it into something I want to do, versus something I have to do. To view it as a privilege, to have the ability and the desire to be totally self-sufficient and get my priorities in line. To limit distractions, and spend my time with purpose, allowing time for the people and activities that truly align with my goals and make my heart sing. I wrote a blog a while back about my feeling a lack of purpose. I needed a major life change to get back to basics - simplify and start fresh - so that I could begin rebuilding my life with purpose at its core.

I had someone in my life who was no longer serving the better parts of me. I felt so weighed down, small and squashed. The simple parts of life, the ones that should be effortless...felt stressful and over complicated. I felt like a visitor in my own home, an extended guest in a place I had no connection to. I had little faith in the promises I made to myself for my future. The steps I was once taking to build that dream seemed so insignificant and meaningless. I felt so held back, and I knew that if I continued life this way, with someone who wasn't productively passionate about their goals, that I could kiss mine goodbye, too. I had slowly watched my enthusiasm for the future shrink and whither, until I couldn't take it any more. So, I started to make attempts to focus on my personal goals for a while, and stop giving so much attention to the fossilized "you and me, together, goals." I had to make progress somewhere, and if it wasn't going to be our goals together, then it was going to be mine. But then our connection started to tangle. It became strained and started to tear. Focusing on my goals had me running in another direction. We were growing apart. And it became strikingly clear. So I made a change, a major one. I broke off our relationship and began searching for me again.

So here we are, a few months after the breakup and in the middle of my first month alone in the house. It's a lot of adjustment. My first night was really, really hard. The silence and emptiness were crippling. He lived with me for 3 months after we broke up, and I had those full three months to prepare for that first night. I realize now, that no amount of preparation could have stopped the mix of emotions I felt that night. But, I woke up the next day in high spirits. I had gotten through it, and realized that I have not a single thing holding me back from living life the way that is meaningful to me. I spent two weeks organizing, deep-cleaning and rearranging. I finished decorating the living room - rug, coffee table, chair, side tables, throw pillows, pictures, mirrors - the whole nine. I love that room. I'm writing from that room, now. I make my bed every morning, my dirty clothes go straight to the laundry room, my dishes directly into the dishwasher. I am growing a deep connection to this house, my home, for the first time since I bought it almost two years ago. I'm excited to walk through the door after work, I enjoy tidying up and keeping it clean, I'm proud of the decorations and personal touches. I'm. So. Comfortable.

While I'm witnessing these changes in my personal life unfold in front of me, the Novel Caronavirus is forcing change in every other corner of the world, too. I, personally, am very happy for this extra time at home - as actually enjoying my home is a brand new discovery for me. And I truly hope that others, through this period of social distancing and self-quarantine, are able to find similar connections - to their families, spouses, children, to their pets, to their crafts or hobbies. I hope that people use this time with purpose, to refinish that room they never got around to because life was too busy. To find news ways to build on their relationship with their children. To let the slower pace and simpler days teach them patience, kindness, creativity, and peace. I've never spent so much time by myself in my life - I cancelled my birthday celebration with my friends, I'm completely alone in this house (not even a pet!) But I've framed it in positive perspective. I don't know about you, but I needed this.

The world has become so fast-paced. We rush from one scheduled activity to the next. We waste precious time scrolling on social media, hours lost that we don't even take time to add up. Life has gotten so busy that we have to have someone else do our grocery shopping and deliver them to our front doors. The threats surrounding this virus are scary, and the media constantly reminds us how unsafe we are. I truly hope, that families can come together during this time to reconnect and recharge. Remove the sporting events and scheduled drop-offs. Remove the nightlife. Remove the "I'm staying at my friend's house tonight" and what's left are families who have no choice but to turn to each other for companionship and support. I hope that when the world begins to open it's doors again, that we all remember what we have at our cores. Who will be there for us when the lights go out? What truly sets our souls on fire when the distractions are gone? Who do we become, how do we act, in times such as these? Are you proud of the way you lead your life? I hope you find something meaningful to take with you from this experience, a lesson-learned, a deeper connection with yourself or your loved ones...a purpose.

I look forward to the day this threat is minimized and people stop getting sick. But in the meantime, I'll be sitting here in my cozy new living room, re-imagining my future and learning who I am and what my purpose will be. Don't wake me when this is over, just let me drift amidst my dreams.

A Cool, Crisp Breeze

I really can't believe it's been almost two full years since I've posted. Astounded, quite honestly. This speaks so much truth into the whole, don't blink...time flies thing.

Gosh, there's been so much on my heart lately and I know the keys on this keyboard are going to fly faster than I can even gather my thoughts. I imagine the overarching theme of this post will be in the form of a question...

How do you kick the incessant, nagging feeling that you're wandering about this Earth... unsettled, restless, and without a trace of clear direction?

Two years of life. Lots of changes, some of them really big. Lots of things to be proud of. Lots of love and family and friends. But there is a lot of confusion, too.  A lot of questions and unknowns.

It's been 16 months since I completed my undergrad and 14 months since we got the keys to our first home. I've received two promotions at work in the last 19 months. We've purchased furniture, refinished 1940's hardwood floors, painted rooms, planted flowers, bought a riding lawn mower, dreamt up patio plans and priced out a few home renovations. I read a novel for leisure for the first time in probably 5 years. I made my own candles, made some do-it-yourself decorations for the house, really honed in on my crafting spirit and channeled my inner Pinterest-aholic. Most recently, I started working on plans to convert our 2nd spare bedroom into a space just for me.

And if there's one thing I've really come to terms with through all of this...it's that money is the ultimate limiting factor in life. (I don't mean to alarm you, but it's something you should know.)

There are so many things I want to do. I want to travel more. I want to continue making this house a home. I want to spend more time with nature. And I want to keep learning. I thought I was so done with school, but my soul is aching for more. I want to take more business classes. I want to get Six Sigma certified. I want to continue expanding my mind and opening up opportunities for my future.

Future. 

Future.

Future.

That word is so heavy. The future is a scary place. And I'm conflicted with how I feel about it. Some days I feel armed to tackle anything life might throw at me. Some days I feel like I'm doing great, taking the right steps, thinking smart, taking precautions and thoroughly weighing options. Other days, I feel like the future hangs over my head like one of those dark clouds in a pharmaceutical-funded anti-depressant commercial. I could be doing better. What will I do if this happens...or that? Is this really how I should be spending my time? Am I actually going to be the person I want to be in 5 years? 10? Will I even have the same values by then? Oh, the pressure.

I'm sure this is totally normal. Like, that's just a part of life, right? Take the good with the bad. Stress out, then relax...and do it again.

But it feels like more than that lately. There's this dense fog that seems to cloud around everything I do. It swoops in when I go to the store to buy groceries and hovers over my cart like a hawk stalking its prey. It fills all the corners and coats all the ceilings in my house. It repeatedly crashes across the flickering TV screen like waves hitting a beach. It condensates on my windshield as I drive to work each morning. It flattens itself and mimics my favorite blanket, adhering to the curves of my body as I try to go to sleep. It attaches itself to my every move, talks over me in my head (totally rude) and builds a barrier between me and the me I want to be.

I have so much focus on the future. Goals. Dreams. Visions. Fears.
But because of this, I feel that I'm missing out on today. Here. Now.
And I'm just now realizing it.

I'm not content. So much so that I'm throwing myself at different things...hobbies, projects, ideas. I'm so desperately trying to find the path that leads to my passion, my true calling. And in this chaotic search, I'm forgetting to soak in the good that my life already has to offer. I've been in this house for over a year and I don't feel connected to it. Sure, I'm relaxed here. I'm comfortable. But I feel as though I'm just passing through. We talk about making improvements and selling this house so often, that I think I've just written it off and forced myself not to get attached. And what I'm realizing now, is that I'm furiously searching for connection to my life, my current one. Like a puppy staring into a mirror, scratching wildly with both paws at the puppy on the other side - begging for its attention.

The other night, I sat in a room we seldom use in this house. The one with the refinished floors and oversized, loungy couch. The one with the gray walls I absolutely adore. I sat there for about two hours. The house was completely dark except for the lamp on the end table, which gave off the warmest, most relaxing glow that draped over those beautiful gray walls. The dog was snoozing on one side of the couch, her tail sprawled across my ankles as I sat there, staring at the glowing walls. My eyes flickered from the floors, to the coat closet, to the decorative lantern in the corner. I analyzed the painting of the Peony on the wall and second-guessed my placement of the candle holders on the floor.

And this whole time, in the back of my mind, I was thinking how much I wanted to just love this house. And thinking how easily I could. And that I want to spend more time sitting in this room, just because. And I thought of a few more things we could do in here, some DIY projects came to mind and I started planning them out in my head. I thought about how I wished I had more time to spend here, in this house, living my life and connecting with myself. I thought for the millionth time about how I work terrible hours, starting late and getting out late, and how it ruins my whole day.

Then I started thinking about how I make a lot of plans, fill our weekends with to-do lists and social events. I make a point to be there for friends' birthdays and family get-togethers. And Anthony is the same way. Our "free time" is often committed a month and a half in advance to something or someone. I have and always will consider those commitments important. They serve our ability to stay connected to friends and family. Allow us to be there for special moments, milestones, celebrations and surprises. They provide us with stories and memories that we cherish and wouldn't trade for the world.

I need that. I need my friends. I need my family. I need that connection, the comfort of being around people who know you...the ease of conversation. It's great to escape the day-to-day and live in someone else's world while they tell you a funny story from last week or their big plans for an upcoming trip. These moments bring us closer together, give us the ability to understand each other a little more and teach us how to be there for each other when we need it most.

I feel more connected than ever to the people in my life. I love it, and I don't ever want it to change.

But I'm deeply missing that connection with myself. I know that I'm missing something. Purpose, I think. Perhaps I'm lacking purpose in my life.

I've had purpose before. For a very, very long time...my goal was to complete my degree. And the things I did were purposely selected to help me achieve that goal. I landed my first position with the company I still work for today, so that I could make money and afford classes. And I scheduled classes around work, and traded schedules with coworkers in order to take the classes I needed. I fought with the administration at two universities in order to complete my goal in a non-traditional capacity. I discovered and utilized my company's tuition reimbursement program to take classes without incurring additional student debt. It was hard, but it was my focal point - my purpose.

When I first took my job, it was a means to an end. It started off terrible. I had no orientation, I got thrown into an office at the end of the hall with the locked union-staff personnel file cabinets. And someone made me a sign for my door..which read "Shelby Jackson and File Room." My boss wasn't even in town when they interviewed and hired me. Someone else handled it while he was on vacation, and when he returned, there I was. And he didn't even know what to do with me. He gave me reading material that made absolutely no sense to me, and left me to my devices for almost two weeks before I really began to learn anything. Those file cabinets bore witness to some lonely and lost tears those first few months. I stayed because I needed a job. I needed a job to finish school and make good on promises I made to my family. And so, I stayed.

But in time, I sought out opportunity there. I latched on to every piece of information I could find. And closing in on my last semester of school, all the fighting and clawing behind me, my focus switched gears. I had a career plan. I was going to learn and keep learning. And when I got my degree, I'd see if it would help me advance. And then I got a promotion and then another. I was focused on learning and growing as much as I could. In a steadily downward-sloping industry (newspaper publishing), everyone fears for their job. You just never know what's around the corner...cost cutting...reorganizations...downsizing. But I was determined to make myself indispensable. I kept expanding my reach, asking questions, lending a hand, joining committees, meeting new people. I had purpose, then. I vowed to myself that no matter what, if I got fired or if I left on my own accord or if I stayed another 5 years...I would know that I got the most out of my time here and would have something to show for it. Several promotions later, I'm still here. I'm in a great position earning a competitive wage. And now I'm the one doing the training. And I'll never stick anyone in an end office with the file cabinets and let them cry.

Also during this time, nearing the end of my degree requirements, I wanted to buy a house. I had been saving money for some time, but I really started focusing on saving as much as I could. I doubled down. I needed a down payment. And after graduation...after I had the money, I started searching. And that process went so fast. The first offer we made was accepted within two hours and the rest was history. We moved in shortly after and poured ourselves into painting and renovating and decorating and buying furniture. We were proud, so proud. I had purpose then.

But things have trailed off. We still have projects we are working on in the house. We still have plans for next season, next paycheck, next weekend. I think I'm reaching the max of what I can grow into at work, but I'm still working to define my management style. I'm still learning my techniques. But it's a slow process. One that only time and experience will help me with.

So what now? Where to next? I think that's where I'm struggling. I guess I thought I'd just be able to enjoy life, after all that. Got the degree, got the house, got the promotions. But I'm lost. I'm not connected to me. I've tried new things and generally enjoyed them all. I have craft drawers full of supplies. I have an entire box of novels to read. I have a backyard with trees and squirrels and bunnies that I could sit and relax in. I have that lovely room with the gray walls. I have everything I was working so hard for. Yet, I've never felt more empty or directionless.

I signed up for a six-week photography class in my community. Taking photos makes me happy, maybe if I learn and practice enough, I could make it a side-gig. Perhaps it could become something more than that some day. I started a furniture painting project for my new room. I really enjoy the crafting and the reading. But I don't have a great place in the house to do those things. That room with the gray walls is central to the noise in the house and the TV in the other room. I need a space that is just mine, where I can curl up and read or write more to clear my head. A spot with a desk for my laptop or my next DIY project. I want to love this house, and I want to love the life I live within its walls.

I need to make a conscious effort to be present today. Because the future is only a dream, a vision. It's always ahead of you - days, weeks, years away. And the only way to arrive at the future of your dreams, is to start living it - today.

I have many ideas floating around in my head about what my future should look like. I have yet to decide which path to follow. But while I'm still weighing the options, I'd really like to enjoy where I'm at. Focus on the current me. Figure out what makes current me whole. Maybe once I figure that out, the fog will thin and slip through the space under the front door. Perhaps it will journey through the trees, winding and twisting, picking up speed. Perhaps it will flip and twirl, and gently graze the faces of children playing outside, causing their hair to dance and their eyes to turn to the sky. Perhaps that dense fog turned cool, crisp breeze will finally enjoy its own freedom, riding the waves and carving the sides of mountains as it finds it's own path into the future.

Future.

Greek Symbols

     I've been busy. Really busy. You know how life kind of takes over, sometimes. Days are long, sleeps are short, weeks are full and downtime is scarce. But my heart, has never been more at peace. This week wraps up my second to last semester of college. I turned in a ten page term-paper tonight (and yes, I somehow still found the desire to write this blog), I've got about 6 hours worth of economics problems to get through by tomorrow night and have a huge exam on Wednesday. Naturally, I'm dreading both of those things.
     But there's an excitement buzzing beneath the cover of my textbook. A little sigh of relief in the zipper of my school bag. It's been a hard semester. There are more inky teardrop stains in my spiral notebook than I'd like to admit, and I certainly could have set aside more of my time here and there instead of procrastinating til last minute on my assignments. But I feel so accomplished.
    I haven't taken a math class since 2009. One of my classes this semester, however, was a 5000 level economics course which was dusted with calculus, statistics and Greek symbols. I had to re-teach myself how to multiply fractions (yes, I forgot) and had to reach out to my math-whiz cousin so he could teach me about derivatives. And I'll be honest, two weeks into the class I had already wanted to call it quits. Yet here I am, 16 weeks later taking my final steps into the light at the end of the supply and demand tunnel.
     But I'm not here to pat myself on the back. Really, I could have given a lot more this semester. I'm just so ready to be done with school.
     I am here, however, to basque in some belonging, and treasure a little bit of happy and a whole lotta love. Like I said, it's been a tough semester. And I've had to set some things in my personal life aside in order to get through it. I left my poor hunny feeling a little lost at times, and had to take a break from my monthly get-togethers with my girlfriends for a while. But I'll tell you what, I've never felt more connected to the people in my life. We may not have been able to see each other as frequently, lately, but we sure have made a point to show up, wholeheartedly, for some pretty important moments...the ones that matter.
     We all have points in our lives when we're working towards a goal and have to disappear for a bit. We all have seasons that are spontaneous, and seasons that are carefully calculated and planned. And despite the individual lives we all lead and the varied goals we all seek to fulfill...we all have a designated spot on our list of priorities for each other. That spot might shift around, it might require some fine-tuning...but it's always there...and it's always tended to in one way or another. My call is always returned. My question is always answered. My feelings are always cared for. And our little friend family just keeps growing stronger....even as our own lives grow busier.
     This morning I attended our second annual Christmas brunch with my five best friends. Every single one of us was there, gift in one hand, mimosa in the other, and the biggest smiles on our faces. I could have spent an entire day sitting in that over-sized booth as our infectious laughter coated every wall of the restaurant. The waiters and patrons zipped past us in every direction, like blurs rushing past the window of a moving car...the six of us in hyper-color focus, as if time was standing still within the confines of our clay-colored booth. Time really does stand still when we are together. I love that about us.

     And just last week we were celebrating Anthony at our favorite little spot over drinks with family and friends...open invitation to whomever could make it out. We were overwhelmed with the turnout, showered with love and support, and surrounded with our favorite people. Anthony and I have been together just shy of three years, and I can't even put into words how much it meant to me to have the most important people in my life show up to support him...especially from such distances. My heart was made a little fuller, that day.
     Another one of my girlfriends is getting married, and yet again, I get to stand next to each one of my best friends on that day. That's a real blessing, right there.
     As this semester comes to a close, and I reflect on what I've gained, I can't help but brush right past my new-found ability of turning a Greek symbol into 100th of a whole number, and instead collect the love captured in moments with my friends and family over the past couple of months.
     I've never been so sure of what my life is made of. I'm not where I thought I'd be by now, but the people standing next to me are the exact people I always dreamed would be there. I've got a man who supports me, challenges me to be better in the best ways possible, and loves me through all my flaws. I've got a group of girlfriends compiled of the world's most balanced personalities, strengths and characters. I've got a big ol' family I wouldn't trade for anything. And pretty soon I'll have an education that I can take with me anywhere. I'm curious to see just how far I can make it travel.

     I'm not where I thought I'd be by now...

  But I sure am happy.

Anger is Never Without a Reason, But Seldom with a Good One

Your ears feel hot. The sounds around you are muffled because the pressure in your ears is so great. And to be honest, you're not paying attention to anything going on around you, anyway. You are just staring...at this tiny speck on the floor. Actually, you realize you're glaring at it with such intensity it might just vaporize into thin air, leaving only a small puff of steam behind to tell the story. Your teeth are clenched and the muscles in your back become stiff. A sense of time escapes you, as if you are in this solitary world made up just you, and this speck. You still haven't lost your concentration, not even to blink. You feel your heart pounding. It's not necessarily racing, but the strength of each heartbeat is so great you can feel it in your throat, gripping your ability to breath. As you sentence the speck on the floor to damnation, you are contemplating your next actions. In this solitary world you currently inhabit, with its thick walls of raw emotion, your list of options is limitless. Your mind rolls, easily, from one thought to the next, contemplating the best options and swapping words you could say for ones with greater potency.  You will be heard, and it will be loud and unmistakable. You have been wronged, but you will make it right.

Ever been here? In a moment of sheer anger?

Ever acted on it? Wished you would have acted with more grace? A bit more finesse?

Ever wished you had taken more time to relieve the pressure behind your ears before reacting?

Anger is a natural human emotion and it can be provoked in so many different ways. You can feel it at different levels, under different circumstances and towards different ideas or people. It can be a slow progression or it can strike in a single instant. It can take you by surprise or you may have been prepared for it. Everyone has experienced anger. It is okay to feel anger. 

Acting on anger, however, can be very dangerous. Often, you have not given yourself enough time to step back and truly weigh your options...and the consequences that follow. More times than not, the consequences of actions committed in anger are not analyzed properly...and sometimes not at all. What you feel is a great way to get your point across can have a million other hidden statements, subtle connotations that twist your initial objective and turn it into something much greater and far more damaging. Or, your actions could completely miss the target and, instead, send your wrath screaming in a different direction, spewing its ammunition onto unsuspecting passersby. 

Anger is powerful, and it can snowball and domino and obliterate. Standing up for yourself and protecting those you love is equally as powerful, but it only has meaning when it is done with purpose and carried out with grace. If others are wronged in the process, who otherwise had no part in it, it was all for not. The pain, then, is no better off than where it began; your cause no better suited than had you left it alone; and the damage no less than how it all started.

Be stronger than your worst days; act with intent and thoughtful purpose in lieu of reacting on raw, unguided emotion. Be aware of the consequences of your actions today, and be honest with yourself years down the road if find you regret them. For there will only be you to blame. 

To my dear friends and family, and the stranger on the street - when moments of anger find you, remember to seek out a clear mind and a full understanding before you make a decision. Consider the consequences and what you might think of yourself in an hour, a day, a year down the road. Don't let the actions of others force you down a road you wouldn't, otherwise, wish to take. Let the lessons learned from others guide you and do not allow anger or fear to cloud your judgement or stand in the way of allowing your best qualities to shine. Love, always.

Turn on the Light

I've had an itch, for weeks now, to write. But simply put, I haven't felt inspired by anything lately. Life has just been chugging along, with me in tow, and nothing has even attempted to strike the match that lights my creativity. I've been painfully aware of this dull, lack-luster span of time and painfully attuned to the fact that I'm not feeling inspired...by anything.

Am I just not paying attention? Am I letting life slip on by, mindlessly? Have I been too busy to notice the things going on around me? Too consumed by my own schedule that I'm not giving enough of myself to others, to life, to relationships, to the faces of strangers? Or has my jam-packed agenda worn me out, that my soul doesn't have the energy to take in anything else?

I have a full time job, during which I also balance my time as a member of our culture committee. I'm taking classes. I nanny a 5 year old and a 16 month old three to five times a week. And whenever our schedules allow, I squeeze in some time with my boyfriend who works nights.

While I'm busy doing all that, life is still happening. The days on the calendar change without my consent, hours pass like minutes and before I know it, another month has gone by. The holidays plowed in like a high-speed train. In my "down-time" I was shopping and wrapping gifts. Making my list and checking it twice, three times, four times, oh hell. And there are how many holiday parties we had to make it to this year? 5? 6?

I miss my friends. I miss having time to do whatever I want, and a care-free spirit that allows me to do whatever I want. Now I'm budget conscious, relationship conscious, energy conscious, act-like-an-adult conscious. I'm stuck in this in-between where I want to be settled. I want to have a day a week dedicated to cleaning a house I own. I want to be able to come home from work and read a book on the couch after eating a home-cooked meal. Yet, here I am, not making enough money to buy a home, still taking classes and babysitting for cash on the side just to help things along.

I'm making strides every day towards what I want, but I'm not there. And I guess I'm just not feeling excited about where I'm at. I should be, really. In 2014 when I left school and moved home, I was failing at literally everything. I was flunking out of college, I was eating the worst possible "food" known to human-kind, I had shut everyone out and locked myself in. I couldn't pay my bills or rent. I was completely lost.  But now, I've got a path that I seem to be travelling fairly well. I've turned my finances around, I'm organized, I've mended my relationships with those I love, I have a steady job that pays descent, I am in a very loving, supportive relationship with my boyfriend and I just received an A- in my last class! Things are good, wouldn't you say?

I want to live a life that is full of "happy." I want to feel inspired by those around me and by myself. I want to see beauty in every day. I'm not saying I need to be in utter awe of my life, at every second. I don't need fireworks every morning and dancing monkeys every afternoon. But I want to feel a sense of belonging, I want to smile just because, and I want to know that I am working towards something bigger than managing 24 hours on repeat. I want the bits between "Once upon a time..." and "happily ever after" to have meaning.

With all that being said, my resolution for 2017 can only be this...to focus on the meaning behind all that I do, rather than just how to do it efficiently. I saw something on Facebook that really stood out to me, recently. Start on January 1 with an empty jar. Each day, write, on a piece of paper, something good that happened to you that day and add it to the jar. At the end of the year, you can dump out the contents of the jar and read through them, reminiscing on what a fantastic year you've had.

It can be so easy to get caught up in clock-watching and to-do-lists. We can so easily miss a very happy moment, or dismiss a kind gesture without even knowing. In 2017 I want to be more present, more alert, more open and accepting so that I might not ever find myself in a place where I am not inspired, challenged, or full of thought, ever again.

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"

What do You Deserve?

We have all had those days (or sometimes an excessively long string of those days). You know, the type of day where you continually find yourself asking what you did to deserve all this? You blew a fuse drying your hair and then dropped an earring down the sink. You're already running late and, of course, you forgot to fill the gas tank last night so now you have to stop on your way in to work. The e-mails never stopped coming and the phone never stopped ringing and by 3 o'clock, you realize you never even paused to eat lunch and you're starved. You finally get to go home and what do you know, a surprise snow shower came through in the middle of April and you don't have your window scraper. As soon as you walk in the door at home, your cell phone starts buzzing, reminding you of a dentist appointment you were supposed to be at over 45 minutes ago. You go to the bathroom and realize you have a huge smudge of mascara on your eyelid; clearly it had been hanging out there all day. The mirror is glaring at you; your face looks pale, tired, old...and your roots are really grown out, and that reminds you that you forgot to call your salon to make a hair appointment for the 4th day in a row. You shuffle through the mail only to find two pieces of junk and three bills you can't afford to pay. You are on the verge of an emotional breakdown, you're actually surprised you made it through the 40 minute commute in what seemed like it could have been holiday traffic headed North for a long weekend. Except it was Tuesday, and you were headed East and there is no holiday, and....ugh, why was the traffic so ugly, today?!

In that long, drawn-out moment of sheer emptiness you hold just before you start feeling the urge to throw something or cry or yell into a pillow - you have a choice. You have a choice to let the anger and frustration take over, to allow it to consume your thoughts for the next hour and to let this string of nuances become bigger than you. You have a choice to let it win. But you also have a choice to realize that life is so much more than this annoying day; that in the grand scheme of things, this day is laughable. You can choose to buckle under the "pressure" of things that don't really matter, or you can choose to understand how little these things really are and that you can take charge of your mood and how this day will end. Strength comes in so many different shapes, is tested in so many different ways and is exercised on so many different levels. It is up to you to design your strength, empower it, utilize it, grow it, believe in it and feel it. Strength is something you build, and with it comes confidence, independence, perseverance and a growing potential. Not a single person in this world has the ability to touch your strength. They can't judge it, they can't bend it or break it, they can't limit it. But in the same token, not a single person in this world can give you strength, either. They can show it to you, they can demonstrate it and set an example, they can even try to coach you. But only YOU can be the true creator, holder and user of your strength. You can surround yourself with strong people and feed off their positivity, but until you can master your OWN strength, these tough days will still seem extreme to you. Until you can stand on your own and decide the fate of each day in your life, one by one and then maybe a few at a time, these tough days will still have the ability to break you down. Strength is a choice, it's as simple as that.

Before you know it, your days will be exactly how you allow them to be. Sure, you can't stop obstacles from getting in your way or accidents from happening or slipping on a banana peel and falling flat on your back. But you can control how you respond. Before you know it, days like the one described above won't even phase you and you'll find the positive points and focus on those and gather the lessons you've learned and prepare for a better day tomorrow. And soon enough, you'll be asking: "What did I do to deserve all this?" Except you'll be exclaiming happiness instead of frustration. You'll be happy with where you're at, where you're heading, and what you're working for. And you will have only YOU and the STRENGTH you built to thank. And you will deserve every smile, every ounce of happiness and every new day that you take by storm, because you will have earned it and worked for it and believed in it.

Choose yourself. Choose control. Choose your own strength.

The Ultimate Teacher

Life is a tricky business. Everyone wants to lead an effectively organized life - where your short-term goals and values lend well into your long-term plans. But let's face it - the longer you live on this planet, the more you realize that things don't always go according to plan. People change (yourself included), money is a gravity issue and destructive, unplanned obstacles suddenly get dropped in your way like a real-life version of Mario Kart.

Some people strive to have the picture-perfect family and to raise their children to be the best they can possibly be at whatever they want to be best at. Others want that glistening career with a list of honors and promotions fifty miles long. Others want to be free spirited and travel the world and see wondrous sights. There are so many variations of that "effectively organized life plan." Yet, I guarantee not ONE has ever been rolled out without any setbacks.

My goals and values seem to change every single day, whether it is just in reaction to a change in my life or whether it's brought on by maturity and life experience or because someone gave me advice that made me think differently. They change. Every. Single. Day.

Where once I valued staying up literally all night with my friends, so as not to waste a single minute of silliness and laughter - I now value a good night's sleep.
Where once I valued having a name-brand clothing item - I now value having versatile items that can be paired differently to accompany several different outfits.
Where once I valued having many friends - I now value having true, honest friends.
Yesterday I ate a fried chicken pita sandwich with BBQ sauce and seasoned fries. Today, I ate a salad and Monday I'm starting a diet to better my overall health and my lifestyle - not just to lose weight, but because it can tremendously effect some of my long-term medical issues.
Two years ago I was giving up on my education and my relationships with those around me. Yesterday, I re-applied for college and, today, I reached out to a dear friend and thanked her for being such an amazing friend and person - even after all these years.
In the last couple years, I have read several fiction novels. Last month, I purchased a book that will teach me to love stronger and another book to help me be more successful in life.

All the various sets of goals I've carried throughout my life have led me down different roads, some more promising than others. Some paths have set me back, some have launched me into areas I wasn't quite ready for. But all of them have helped get me to where I am, today, and have provided me with priceless experience and wisdom.

I am better today than I was yesterday because I have endured hardships, navigated tough obstacles and taken things for granted that I shouldn't have. I have hurt people and have asked for forgiveness. I have also lifted people up and brightened their day. There are times where I've pinched every penny and other times where I seemed to have just thrown my money away. I have removed people from my life who had no business being there and I have happily invited others. I have loved and lost, but I surely am happy to love again.

Life is a tricky business. It's up, it's down; its a balancing act that's nearly impossible to execute. But life is the best teacher you will ever have. It will teach you patience, emotional handling, financial health, physical health, relationship management...and the list goes on. But the most important thing that it will teach you - is that you can grow and adapt. Situations will change you, alter your perspective, tweak your goals, shape your values and broaden your mind.

Where I am now and where I was two to three years ago are completely different worlds. My life is vastly different, yet the things I've learned and the knowledge I've gained in the past have not escaped me in my new world. I carry them with me everywhere I go and tomorrow I will pick up another tidbit to carry with me in my travels through this life.

I have done things I'm not proud of and found myself in situations I would have rather not been in, but I have learned and I have grown and I cannot bring myself to find a single moment I truly regret. Life is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but boy do I sure feel alive with ability and armed with the strength to take what I am meant to learn from any experience it throws my way.


"This, too, shall pass."

All That You Are is Only a Preview of What You Are to Become

I have woken up to see your sweet face on the pillow next to mine too many times to count
And still, every last time becomes my new favorite time
I have dreamed a thousand dreams of so many things
But the ones with you mean the most
I have told you oh so many times that I love you
Yet I know the meaning of those words hasn't even seen its greatest depth
And I latch on to everything that helps it grow
I have seen true smiles spread across your face
But there are so many of your smiles I still can't wait to see
I have held your hand and laid my head on your chest
Still I know the comfort you offer is just the beginning
I have stared deep into your eyes and found truth and vulnerability
But I have yet to discover a million other treasures in those eyes
I have felt your caring words drill right down to my heart
I have witnessed the sacrifices that you make for me
I have watched you strive for what is important
My heart has never felt so much

One Vitamin, a World of Change

    Looking back, I realize what a complete waste of space I was for a good 8 months or so, maybe longer. I had zero energy, from the time I woke up to the soonest I could collapse in my bed after work...around 4:30 in the afternoon. I too often found myself cancelling evening plans with friends because I was so physically exhausted and mentally drained. I opted for a "quick nap" that usually wouldn't end until my alarm went off the next morning instead of dinner with my family. I let my gym membership sit there and rot because I COULD NOT make myself choose the treadmill over my pillow. I still went out on the weekends, but found myself calling it a night earlier and earlier.
    Aside from being that tired...allll the time...it lead me to a severe lack of motivation to do anything of importance. I went through the motions of the day - doing what I had to do to get through it, but nothing more. Which is really unlike me, especially in the professional environment. In all my previous jobs, I have found myself going above and beyond - finding projects to work on or ways to improve a process. I wasn't doing that anymore.
    And then there were the headaches. Awful, miserable, painful headaches that lasted all day long and remained strong even against the power of Extra Strength Tylenol and Excedrin Migraine. These headaches came on suddenly and clearly had no intentions of leaving any time soon. Along with the headaches came fatigue, shortness of breath, weakness and a tingling in my fingertips and wrists. After 5 straight days of this, and missing a day of work, I finally went to see my doctor. She checked for pneumonia, ran blood tests to rule out infection and blood clots, and several other small tests...and yet, she was stumped. She gave me a shot of Toradol for the pain and sent me on my way, hoping that breaking the cycle of pain may kick the headaches. A week later, no relief. My doctor decided to run another set of blood tests, one of which was to check my Vitamin B12 level.
    My B12 was in the mid 200 range, which doesn't technically make me "deficient." But the normal range is 200-900 or 200-1100 (depending on where you have the test done) so it sure put me pretty darn close. B12 is a vitamin you get from your diet, it's not one that your body can make on its own. It is absorbed from the proteins in meat, fish, eggs and dairy - which I definitely eat enough of. So, knowing that my body wasn't absorbing the B12 properly from my diet, I started weekly B12 injections to get my levels back up. My doctor and myself were hoping that the headaches may have just been a way of my body telling me that something was wrong and that after B12 injection therapy, they would start to subside.
    It took almost a full month of the injections before I started to find relief from the headaches, which I was so incredibly ready for! But I think what I've enjoyed more than ridding myself of these headaches, was the energy and motivation I gained after just the first week - which only continued to grow from there. I've started using my gym membership again...almost every day, now. I've been more involved at work, putting together a training manual and helping my boss on some small projects (ahh, much better.) I have noticed that I am sleeping so hard that I wake up sometimes and don't know what day it is - but I wake up feeling refreshed and energized and ready to tackle the world. And I have no desire to hit my snooze, once I'm up, I'm up! I think I'm actually getting the best sleep of my adult life. Knowing that my body is capable of feeling the way that it does now, and that my mind can feel so strong, really makes me consider the previous months and how lacking they were in so many ways.
    My boyfriend continuously called me "Grandma Shelby" whenever I wanted to go to sleep at 9pm on a Friday night, or needed a nap mid-way through Saturday. Now I'm the one pulling on his arm to go find something to do. My spirits are on high, I feel like I've actually enjoyed my days, both in and out of work, and my bed no longer calls my name. On the contrary, I find that I am having to force myself to go to sleep - otherwise I could stay up all day and half the night, no problem.
    I knew I was tired all the time, I knew I was being lazy, I knew I wasn't motivated. But I guess I didn't realize it was negatively affecting me so much, until I wasn't any of those things anymore. I can't recall the last time I felt this good, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm excited to see what this new energy and fresh motivation allows me to accomplish. I'm excited for how lively my days will continue to feel. But mostly, I'm over-the-moon happy and feeling 100% healthy for the first time in a really long time.
    As painful and persistent as those headaches were, I am thankful for the fact that they lead me to discover my low level of B12. Because you typically don't just go to the doctor and say "I'm tired and lazy, cure me." Unfortunately, it will take something else, like in my situation, to find that there is an actual problem with your health that's affecting these things (unless in fact, you're actually just a lazy person.)

                                                                  *****************

I hadn't even known the importance of B12, or how a low level can negatively affect your body to this extent. I didn't know it was something that your body could fail to absorb. I didn't know anything about it, at all. But after researching on my own, and understanding how the human body processes the food in your diet to extract, absorb and store the vitamin, and then subsequently use it for such important functions, I realize that probably not many people know this stuff either. And B12 deficiency is actually a very common thing that goes undiagnosed far too often. I've suggested to many of my friends and family to have their B12 levels checked, because something so simple has caused a world of change for me, in just a month and half. And through all of this, and with the help of follow up tests, I've also found that my body, at this point, does not have the proper means to absorb the vitamin on its own from my diet. Research Intrinsic Factor Antibody, if you'd like to find out why. I will need to have monthly injections from this point forward in order to maintain a stable level. And if it's a small poke in the arm once a month that will allow me to continue feeling this good, it's well worth it.

What is Love if Not a Reason to be the Best Version of Yourself?

The majority of my days are just normal...routine. Snooze the alarm 3 times, get to work 5 minutes late, scarf down lunch while simultaneously responding to emails, honk the horn a few times at people who cut me off on my way home...ya know. The usual stuff. There are occasional doctor appointments, sometimes I spend an evening doing laundry and sometimes I come home and collapse into a pile of exhaustion on my pillow...usually on a Thursday. My weekends, especially during the Summer, are filled with events away from home, keeping me up late at night, and often include beer and friends. I live for the weekends.

Lately, though...the routine, the normal, the day to day...it's all starting to seem a lot less boring. It's all still very average in terms of "life events" or "the things you have to do." Yes, everyone has to work to make money to pay bills and eat dinner. But too many people are completely miserable in doing so. Too many people go through the motions every single day, and forget to allow spontanaeity into their lives. Routine is good on a lot of levels. But if routine is all you have and each day is the same as the one before it and the one that follows...everything is sure to become mundane and meaningless. Where's the good in that?

So how is it that my normal, routine days aren't so boring to me? I've found a very real inspiration. A silent motivator, a strong supporter, a second opinion, a reason to think and re-think everything I do...including the routine things. I've found a best friend to do life with who makes me want to be better, without even meaning to.

When it's just you, your same thoughts, your same point of view...you can really get set in your ways. But when someone comes along who challenges your thoughts, your mind, your intentions and goals - all of a sudden you are looking at everything in a new light. I've got someone in my life who loves me for me, and everything I stand for. And that, in itself, is enough to make me take a second look at who I am as a person and what exactly it is that I stand for. Can I give him an even better person to love? Because he surely deserves the best.

I say this with every ounce of honesty my body contains...I have never once felt that he has ever wanted to change a single thing about me. I'm not looking at myself and my life in a new light because he has ever brought a flaw to my attention or spoken down to me about any single aspect of my being. Actually, I think it's just the opposite. For once in my life, I feel so safe and cared for and un-judged. I feel loved for who I am. And it makes me think...who am I really? Here is this person, who loves me so much. Here he is, with his ever-so-delicate forehead kisses that mean the world to me. Here's this man, who opened up to me and showed me his world and his mind. He's shared with me his goals, his wants in life, his regrets and his accomplishments. He is beautiful and exciting and funny. There is something about sharing a meal at a nice restaurant with two plates full of crab legs on your candle-lit table...and there sit the two of you, trying to wipe tears from your eyes because you are both laughing so hard that you can't even breath. Call it rude, but we were in the moment, completely consumed in our own little world, thoroughly enjoying each other's company. And if you can't give in to a moment like that, then how are you supposed to enjoy life?

I can go on and on about all our moments that have really made a mark on my heart. There are many...because he gets me and he's thoughtful and he's real. And I consider how highly I think of him...and that's what makes me strive to be the best version of myself. There are days that I'm moody...and that has ALWAYS been the case. But what do my moody days add to life? Surely nothing positive. So why be moody? I can just change my mindset, put a smile on and focus on different viewpoints..to be better company, to make the day worth while, to make it memorable in some way. There are days where I'm impatient and, unfortunately, he endures the sharp edges of my snappy attitude. Its not his fault that things didn't go the way I envisioned them. And even so, what does it matter if B came before A? Did it ruin my life? Will I make it to see tomorrow? Then why sweat it? These are the things I've started to look at when considering my day to day. These are some the areas where I want to be better...for the sake of life happiness in general, and for the sake of this caring man and the fact that he doesn't deserve to have to suffer through my short comings.

And so, with a new set of eyes and a greater appreciation for my life and the fact that I get to share all these moments with such an incredible man...I continue on with my routines. Except, they aren't so routine anymore. Because I am looking for ways to make them better, more exciting, less stressful, more meaningful and always...more purposeful.

Because there is a reason I found such a true, honest love and I'll be damned if I ever let it become "just one of my routines."

Here's to finding purpose in all that you do. Here's to holding on to love and allowing it to bring excitement to your life. And here's to building a better you....both for yourself and for those who love you.

I love you, Anthony.

When You Fall and You Love It

When love has let you down, especially when it lets you down hard, there seems to be this prominent moment in time that drags on and on and on. It's not pain, really. It's not even sadness. It's just this sense of solitude that has taken on the role of your personal protection; a body guard for your heart and soul, if you will. The funny thing about it is you are well aware of it throughout your day, with every interaction you have with another person, especially in meeting new people. And you grow to rely on it. With this guard comes independence, inner strength and focus. All of a sudden, you're feeling better about yourself than you can ever remember feeling...ever. You're confident in your own abilities and proud of your accomplishments, because you are all you have...you and this Knight of Solidarity who walks beside you day in and day out. 

     

You'll envelope yourself in this positive selfishness. You will grow and your world will expand with you. And before you know it, you will have found your true self, the person you were meant to be...and want to be; a stronger, better, more prominent you. 

When you have taken this time to get to know yourself; the real, uninterrupted, non-clouded version of yourself, you will find that the right people gravitate to you. You don't have to go searching for someone who might, possibly, fit into this puzzle-piece riddle of standards you set. The right people will find you, on accident in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times. And because you have found your true personality, there will be no confusion in the bonds you build with these surprise acquaintances. And if you remain true to yourself, the right one will come along; the one who evokes all the right emotions and treats you with all the respect in the world.

For the longest time, I thought that beginning a new relationship would force me to compromise all that I had gained in this past year. I thought I would have to trade in my freedom for a pair of chains, and set aside my independence in order to let someone in. I thought that my guard would be too strong to allow anyone to ever help me or hold me. Until now…now I see that you don't have to tear your soul in half in order to share it. The right person will come along who knows just how to handle your heart, even the tough, protected parts. He won't fight with your wall of confidence; instead he will rebuild it where it weakens. He won't fear your independence, but encourage it. He will share in the belief in your abilities and take it upon himself to make sure that belief never falters. He will make you better. He will accentuate all of those strengths you have grown into, not place them in shadows. He will love you in all the right ways and he will make you even stronger. 

     I am so lucky to have found someone who lifts me so high. This relationship is still new and exciting...and young. But it’s strong and I believe in it. I am infatuated with his presence, I feel safe in his arms and he is such a good, caring man.

 ...I couldn't have imagined a better person to fall for on accident, when I was least expecting it.

Where Civilization is Not

A twisting, winding road
A tangled mess of golden hair
blowing in the wind, gleaming in the sun
It's only February, but her window's rolled down
She takes a deep breath, cold and sobering
She exhales a cloud of steam, a true tell of the fire in her heart
She's got her favorite song turned all the way up
There's a smile on her face as she locks eyes with the blue sky ahead
She's not sure if she's chasing a dream
Or if she's headed somewhere she's already been
All she knows is that it doesn't matter
She's just happy to be going somewhere.
Her gut is tight with excitement
She bears an adventurous soul
It aches for true freedom
Free from rules and wandering eyes
Free of stress and time constraints
Free from monotonous tasks and conversation
Her mind wanders
It takes her through the woods she used to hike
The fort she disappeared to for hours on end
She ventures back to rollerblades on rough pavement
and bike rides, swift with the dropping terrain
She recalls sitting on the edge of a cliff
Looking out over clear blue-green water
Completely mesmerized, encompassed by life.
There aren't stop lights or sirens where she's going
There's no traffic or violence
There are only moments of awe
Peaceful realizations of true beauty
a renewed respect for the Earth...
...and the fact that is still spins.

Despite the anger and corruption
Even with the debt of the economy
and freak accidents breaking the hearts of loved ones
No matter how busy the streets
Or how harsh the life...

There are still birds who fly freely between the trees
and cubs who find safety beneath their mother
and waves that crash over rocks, slowly changing their shapes
There is still beauty in this world, big blue skies and small streams
Silence that echoes for miles
Pebbles that sink to the bottom of lakes
and snow that builds and builds and builds

On a normal day, she fights rush hour traffic
and forgets to do laundry
She struggles to pay her bills
and drinks too much coffee just to stay awake
On most days, she's just going through the motions
But on those rare, momentous days
When she takes off to be absolutely nowhere
Surrounded by nothing of importance
Not talking to a single soul
Those are the days she feels alive
Those moments...
...when she feels so much smaller than the world
...where the eagle owns the sky
...when she has to dip below branches and step over roots
Those moments are living
Those are the moments she reaches for
That's where her soul would fly if it could

You'll Never Know What You Don't Know Until You Ask

As a young professional, building a career plan and setting advancement goals has proven quite challenging. Determining what you want to make of your career and future is entirely up to you, and you alone. It's one of those things that doesn't have step-by-step instructions, nor can you follow any one person's footsteps. What works for one person may not work for another. What works today may not work tomorrow.

I began my career endeavors 6 months ago, upon the acceptance of my first job offer in connection with my area of study. It was a newly created position with no formal training plan, no clear outlining of expected results and minimal feedback. I've submerged myself in each task given to me and truly have accomplished so much since my first days. I can successfully navigate our packaging software (I've even been able to teach my boss a thing or two) and I've mastered creating and analyzing the many reports we rely on for operation and quality control. I feel that I have easily managed and adopted all the duties that have been given to me.

I felt great about my progress and excited by the idea of having conquered these new challenges.

Until one day I realized that the horizon of my accomplishments was far too close. Surely, my current daily duties will not keep me busy forever, at least not busy enough to motivate me. Yes, I know how to manipulate numbers on a spreadsheet, but what of these numbers? I know what we use them for, I know where they come from, but what factors would change them? How can they be improved? I need to know more about the company than what simply crosses my desk. I need to know so much more than I do now.

To do my current job successfully, I could continue on like I have for the past 6 months and be just fine. But my current job isn't my dream job, the pay won't satisfy me for much longer and I can see that I'm already getting bored. So what is a new, 23 year old employee to do in an industry she knew nothing about when she entered it? As I look around the various departments working together to form our Operations segment, I am surrounded with retirement-age folks who have been doing this for 30+ years. The industry is old and the people who operate it, just as much. How will I compare to all these knowledge-filled, experienced, seasoned veterans of the industry?

I've got to learn. I've got to ask them questions. I've got to think on a greater scale, a broader scope. I've got to roam and poke my nose in areas I don't understand. I've got to be curious and open-eyed.

I realize, that I have no idea what to make of my future in this business - because I know nothing about it. It's like deciding whether or not to buy a house you've never visited or drawing a portrait of a face you've never seen.

If I get out there, and explore the industry and ask questions - I'm sure I will find an area of interest. Maybe I will stumble across a challenge or two that I think I could fix. Maybe I will recognize areas of growth. And once I can see clearly, I might be able to envision an outline for my future. And with that outline, I can start to create goals and find ways to build myself towards achieving them.

Building a career is so different than "having a job" in high school or college. It is going to be a learning process. I need to strive for advancement, both in my personal growth and the growth of the company. Right now, curiosity and inquisitiveness will be my best friends. With that mindset, I will gain knowledge, understanding, and of course will form new questions and meet new people.

I've decided to start following other "young-professional" bloggers that sing the the tune of career advancement, gaining certifications to boost your value to the company (and with that, your salary) and of course, networking.

A few blogs of note I would like to share:

• Ms. Career Girl , who lends insight on success in areas surrounding both careers and life outside of work
• Your Coffee Break, which envelopes conversation about fashion, beauty and career. There are quite a few posts specifically related to the PR profession (which a few of my close friends would likely enjoy), but I feel that most content can be beneficial to any young woman starting out her career. 
• Dr. Hiten Vyas's the Empower Blog gives advice on building confidence, becoming a better communicator, avoiding negativity and simply building a better life. 

I think I'll take a trip to the bookstore and ravage the Business and Self-Improvement sections, too. This Barnes and Noble list of "Books Every Working Woman Should Read" seems like a great place to start.

In the next week or so, I plan to start organizing my plan at work - which areas I would like to know more about, who I would like to chat with and when the best times to explore would be. Most of our packaging is done in the late afternoons and nights, maybe I need to plan a few nights to come in. I'd like to organize a list of questions that have been lingering in my mind and then find a way to gain answers to them.

I recognize that nobody is going to hold my hand and feed me the information that they worked hard and long to gain over the past 30 years. I have to find it for myself, I have to want it. I've got to take control of my career.

A static mind will never lead me to a successful career. I'm positive that reading thoughts from others will provoke me to relate and ask questions and decipher meaning. I can't wait to see what I think of my career in another 6 months - what I've made of it, what I plan to do with it, what I want from it.

Happy Reading!

Looking Back, Only Long Enough to Reflect and Continue Moving Forward

** This blog is going to a bit of a catch-all. It's going to bounce around and have no real flow of information. But I still hope to keep it entertaining.

Last December, I published a blog post referencing some of the accomplishments and exciting things I had done throughout the previous year. I also listed some things I would like to accomplish in the year following.

Here is that list:

"In the next twelve months...
I hope to bungee jump or sky dive
I will graduate college
I hope to move to a new location
I hope to continue trying new foods
I hope to change my hair style
I hope to make new friends
I hope to travel somewhere I've never been (hopefully multiple places)
I hope to take a vacation to somewhere warm
I hope to have a new job
I hope to lose 40 lbs
I hope to have an even stronger love for my boyfriend
I hope to continue learning and growing as a person
But most of all, I hope to maintain a sense of adventure and enthusiasm for life
I hope to continue surrounding myself with those who matter most
And keep pushing forward towards my goals. 

Happy New Year!"

Well, it's one year later and I wish I could say I've been able to cross all of these off my list, but I really can't. I've only truly accomplished a select few. However, there are a many that I've made progress toward, and I'm happy with progress.

I took this summer by storm. I was extremely spontaneous. I removed my focus from the boundaries of my comfort zone, and instead...simply focused on things I wanted to do and how I was going to do them.

It wasn't bungee jumping and it wasn't skydiving...but it was pretty much the thrill I was seeking. While spending time at "America's Roller Coast" (Cedar Point - Sandusky, OH), my friend Dan and I lost our marbles and took on the SlingShot. This little contraption is nothing more than two bucket seats with chest harnesses, attached to two gigantic bungee cords, one on either side. The tension in the cords builds up and then BAM, you're being flung 360 feet in the air at 62 mph.

My not-so-daring friends took a nice little video for us. Click here if you'd like to see it.

It may not be a "new" location, but it's still a relocation. I'm living back in my hometown, which is so very different than it was when I moved away in 2009. It's busier, roads have been widened, new fitness centers and shopping centers have popped up...its quite the bustling area these days. While its great for the city, I can't say I enjoy the traffic.

I'm always actively looking to try new foods, I don't think I'll ever get tired of that game.

I've had calamari rings, before. But this is a WHOLE octopus. And I ate it.

In August, I dyed my hair for the first time in my entire life. I didn't go crazy or anything - no purple, thank goodness. I simply added a subtle blonde ombré to lighten it up. I fear, however, that I've only awakened the beast. I may be seeking out a new winter look, soon!

I've been much more open to venturing out with new people. I'm fairly proud of myself in how much I've put myself out there. With each new person I meet, it get's a little easier to be myself in situations I once found uncomfortable.

I visited and hiked the Pictured Rocks National Shoreline with my sister. I actually have been there as a child, but I don't remember it (and apparently we took a boat tour, in lieu of hiking.) So, as far as I'm concerned, it's somewhere new to me.

I got a new job! But you can read my earlier posts about that - I won't bore you with details, here.

While still a far cry from my goal weight-loss of 40 lbs, I am down, at this point, 15 lbs exactly.
I've joined a co-ed recreational soccer team, snagged a spot on a bowling league and scored myself a gym membership. I don't really waste much of my time sitting around. I'm usually doing this or working on that - so excessive snacking doesn't really find its way into my day. I've reduced my portion sizes (I seriously cannot comprehend how I was ever able to eat so much food in one sitting before, I simply can't do it, anymore). I've been extremely absent from the gym for the past month, which I'm not happy about. However, even without the gym, I've still been losing weight due to my diet and lifestyle changes. December is a busy month, so I'll set my next short-term goal for January. We'll call it 'Gyming in January'. I like it.

That boyfriend I mentioned, he's out of the picture now. But I've found a very intense love for life, friendship, family and adventure in his place and I couldn't be happier.

Of course, some of these goals will be a continued work-in-progress for 2015. And, not to anyone's surprise, I'm sure - I've got some new goals to add to the list.

I want to wake up when my first alarm goes off, not after I've hit snooze 6 times.
I want to be more vocal about my desire to move forward at work - I'm ready to learn new things.
I need to start kicking my MOH duties into high-gear. It's not always about me.
I've got 5 classes left! Once I have my loan to the university paid off, I need to register for them.
And then I want to absolutely rock those classes. I want to finish stronger than ever before.

I've received a lot of support over the past 5 months. Aside from finding myself and having as much fun as possible, I owe it to those who have helped me to succeed. I want to give it all I've got to make them proud. I know I can do it, but the key is wanting it.

While none of the things on these lists are huge or life-altering, they are important to me. Each of of these things lends insight and puts me one step closer to leading an inspiring life. I don't necessarily mean to inspire other people, everyone has their own goals and desires. I just want to lead myself toward happiness, so that I may be better company to those around me, so that I may have more to offer in times of need and so that I can feel that my time on this earth was meaningful. And if, by sharing my experiences, triumphs, failures and reflections, I am able to inspire others - even better.

I absolutely believe in this saying: "To love others, you must first love yourself."
I just want to be the best human I can be, lend well to this world and be a pleasure to those around me. I want to be able to offer support where it is needed and know to keep quiet where it is not. I want to be a caring friend, a thoughtful daughter, a capable business woman and a patient companion. And when the time comes, I hope to use all that I've learned in these many roles to be a loving, nurturing mother and wife.

I want to be as steady as possible in my own life, so that when it comes to giving back, helping others, being a daughter and a sister and, in time, raising a family...I know I will be able.