A Summer Rain

Like the big, heavy raindrops that fall from the summer sky every now and again. The ones you can hear when they make contact with earth. The ones that refused to fall, that held on to that cloud for as long as they could, until the weight of it all just became too great. And they had to let go.

You wonder what made those raindrops bigger than the rest. What environmental factors were at play to allow them to get so big before they fell? Sometimes we just get a wet mist, like the whole cloud descended and engulfed us and we're just swimming in the particles. But sometimes the raindrops feel like rare meteors that traveled unimaginable distances. They cause us all to turn our eyes to the sky to take it in. Like we've never seen rain before. Those water bombs demanding our attention, putting on an entire Broadway show willing us to respond with a standing ovation. Performance of the year. 

It feels like that. Awe and mystery disguised like a familiar friend. 

All in one breath...
Life is beautiful and confusing. My world is exactly as I've planned it and completely unpredictable. I'm the happiest I've ever been and deeply troubled. I have everything I've dreamed of but the dreams keep taking new form. I am in complete control but the ground I stand on keeps moving.

I am whole and shattered.

I am set back on my heels, almost weekly; a moment of silence for the life I've built, the privileges I enjoy, the peace I'm able to rely on when I need grounding. I am so grateful and often in disbelief that I'm able to live my life in full authenticity; leading truly from my unaltered core. I live life for me. The decisions I make and what I commit to are entirely based on what serves me. What brings joy to my heart, what supports my peace and aligns with my personality. If it doesn't serve me, chances are I'm not doing it. And to some, maybe that seems callous. 

But I've never been more in tune with the intricacies of my own identity; where I thrive, where my demons are buried and how to strike the perfect balance of productivity & relaxation, growth & comfort. I am deeply introspective, analyzing my emotional response to different situations and seeking to understand how I relate, cope, counter, balance, avoid, and overcome. I've spent so much time getting to know me. Ignoring what allows me to be the truest version of me would be entirely wasteful. 

But there's this little corner of my soul, one that starts to get loud every now and again. Growing big and powerful like those really heavy raindrops. It's full of questions, doubts, what-if's and maybes. It's an undoing of all the things I know to be true. It's complex and full of extremely intelligent arguments against the peaceful and comfortable parts of my life. It exudes urgency and threatens upheaval. It manifests dramatic change and expansion, the kind that undoubtedly leaves permanent stretch marks in its wake. A reminder of meaningful sacrifice. 

I am so grounded with deep roots to support the weight of who I’ve become, who I’ve built myself to be. But these heavy raindrops loom overhead, threatening to wash it all away. And they’re clinging to the clouds. But I know one day, the weight of it all will become too great. And I’ll be forced to rip these roots clear out of the ground and earn some new stripes. I know I’ll wear them proudly, like a tattoo telling my story. In the aftermath, I’ll dig through the debris and collect the most precious bits of me. I’ll build new roots, stronger and in new directions.  I’ll discover a new and shiny type of peace, one I never knew before. And it will all have been worth it. But the calm before the storm is the scariest part. You just don’t know what’s ahead.

I am whole and shattered.