What do You Deserve?

We have all had those days (or sometimes an excessively long string of those days). You know, the type of day where you continually find yourself asking what you did to deserve all this? You blew a fuse drying your hair and then dropped an earring down the sink. You're already running late and, of course, you forgot to fill the gas tank last night so now you have to stop on your way in to work. The e-mails never stopped coming and the phone never stopped ringing and by 3 o'clock, you realize you never even paused to eat lunch and you're starved. You finally get to go home and what do you know, a surprise snow shower came through in the middle of April and you don't have your window scraper. As soon as you walk in the door at home, your cell phone starts buzzing, reminding you of a dentist appointment you were supposed to be at over 45 minutes ago. You go to the bathroom and realize you have a huge smudge of mascara on your eyelid; clearly it had been hanging out there all day. The mirror is glaring at you; your face looks pale, tired, old...and your roots are really grown out, and that reminds you that you forgot to call your salon to make a hair appointment for the 4th day in a row. You shuffle through the mail only to find two pieces of junk and three bills you can't afford to pay. You are on the verge of an emotional breakdown, you're actually surprised you made it through the 40 minute commute in what seemed like it could have been holiday traffic headed North for a long weekend. Except it was Tuesday, and you were headed East and there is no holiday, and....ugh, why was the traffic so ugly, today?!

In that long, drawn-out moment of sheer emptiness you hold just before you start feeling the urge to throw something or cry or yell into a pillow - you have a choice. You have a choice to let the anger and frustration take over, to allow it to consume your thoughts for the next hour and to let this string of nuances become bigger than you. You have a choice to let it win. But you also have a choice to realize that life is so much more than this annoying day; that in the grand scheme of things, this day is laughable. You can choose to buckle under the "pressure" of things that don't really matter, or you can choose to understand how little these things really are and that you can take charge of your mood and how this day will end. Strength comes in so many different shapes, is tested in so many different ways and is exercised on so many different levels. It is up to you to design your strength, empower it, utilize it, grow it, believe in it and feel it. Strength is something you build, and with it comes confidence, independence, perseverance and a growing potential. Not a single person in this world has the ability to touch your strength. They can't judge it, they can't bend it or break it, they can't limit it. But in the same token, not a single person in this world can give you strength, either. They can show it to you, they can demonstrate it and set an example, they can even try to coach you. But only YOU can be the true creator, holder and user of your strength. You can surround yourself with strong people and feed off their positivity, but until you can master your OWN strength, these tough days will still seem extreme to you. Until you can stand on your own and decide the fate of each day in your life, one by one and then maybe a few at a time, these tough days will still have the ability to break you down. Strength is a choice, it's as simple as that.

Before you know it, your days will be exactly how you allow them to be. Sure, you can't stop obstacles from getting in your way or accidents from happening or slipping on a banana peel and falling flat on your back. But you can control how you respond. Before you know it, days like the one described above won't even phase you and you'll find the positive points and focus on those and gather the lessons you've learned and prepare for a better day tomorrow. And soon enough, you'll be asking: "What did I do to deserve all this?" Except you'll be exclaiming happiness instead of frustration. You'll be happy with where you're at, where you're heading, and what you're working for. And you will have only YOU and the STRENGTH you built to thank. And you will deserve every smile, every ounce of happiness and every new day that you take by storm, because you will have earned it and worked for it and believed in it.

Choose yourself. Choose control. Choose your own strength.

The Ultimate Teacher

Life is a tricky business. Everyone wants to lead an effectively organized life - where your short-term goals and values lend well into your long-term plans. But let's face it - the longer you live on this planet, the more you realize that things don't always go according to plan. People change (yourself included), money is a gravity issue and destructive, unplanned obstacles suddenly get dropped in your way like a real-life version of Mario Kart.

Some people strive to have the picture-perfect family and to raise their children to be the best they can possibly be at whatever they want to be best at. Others want that glistening career with a list of honors and promotions fifty miles long. Others want to be free spirited and travel the world and see wondrous sights. There are so many variations of that "effectively organized life plan." Yet, I guarantee not ONE has ever been rolled out without any setbacks.

My goals and values seem to change every single day, whether it is just in reaction to a change in my life or whether it's brought on by maturity and life experience or because someone gave me advice that made me think differently. They change. Every. Single. Day.

Where once I valued staying up literally all night with my friends, so as not to waste a single minute of silliness and laughter - I now value a good night's sleep.
Where once I valued having a name-brand clothing item - I now value having versatile items that can be paired differently to accompany several different outfits.
Where once I valued having many friends - I now value having true, honest friends.
Yesterday I ate a fried chicken pita sandwich with BBQ sauce and seasoned fries. Today, I ate a salad and Monday I'm starting a diet to better my overall health and my lifestyle - not just to lose weight, but because it can tremendously effect some of my long-term medical issues.
Two years ago I was giving up on my education and my relationships with those around me. Yesterday, I re-applied for college and, today, I reached out to a dear friend and thanked her for being such an amazing friend and person - even after all these years.
In the last couple years, I have read several fiction novels. Last month, I purchased a book that will teach me to love stronger and another book to help me be more successful in life.

All the various sets of goals I've carried throughout my life have led me down different roads, some more promising than others. Some paths have set me back, some have launched me into areas I wasn't quite ready for. But all of them have helped get me to where I am, today, and have provided me with priceless experience and wisdom.

I am better today than I was yesterday because I have endured hardships, navigated tough obstacles and taken things for granted that I shouldn't have. I have hurt people and have asked for forgiveness. I have also lifted people up and brightened their day. There are times where I've pinched every penny and other times where I seemed to have just thrown my money away. I have removed people from my life who had no business being there and I have happily invited others. I have loved and lost, but I surely am happy to love again.

Life is a tricky business. It's up, it's down; its a balancing act that's nearly impossible to execute. But life is the best teacher you will ever have. It will teach you patience, emotional handling, financial health, physical health, relationship management...and the list goes on. But the most important thing that it will teach you - is that you can grow and adapt. Situations will change you, alter your perspective, tweak your goals, shape your values and broaden your mind.

Where I am now and where I was two to three years ago are completely different worlds. My life is vastly different, yet the things I've learned and the knowledge I've gained in the past have not escaped me in my new world. I carry them with me everywhere I go and tomorrow I will pick up another tidbit to carry with me in my travels through this life.

I have done things I'm not proud of and found myself in situations I would have rather not been in, but I have learned and I have grown and I cannot bring myself to find a single moment I truly regret. Life is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but boy do I sure feel alive with ability and armed with the strength to take what I am meant to learn from any experience it throws my way.


"This, too, shall pass."

All That You Are is Only a Preview of What You Are to Become

I have woken up to see your sweet face on the pillow next to mine too many times to count
And still, every last time becomes my new favorite time
I have dreamed a thousand dreams of so many things
But the ones with you mean the most
I have told you oh so many times that I love you
Yet I know the meaning of those words hasn't even seen its greatest depth
And I latch on to everything that helps it grow
I have seen true smiles spread across your face
But there are so many of your smiles I still can't wait to see
I have held your hand and laid my head on your chest
Still I know the comfort you offer is just the beginning
I have stared deep into your eyes and found truth and vulnerability
But I have yet to discover a million other treasures in those eyes
I have felt your caring words drill right down to my heart
I have witnessed the sacrifices that you make for me
I have watched you strive for what is important
My heart has never felt so much

One Vitamin, a World of Change

    Looking back, I realize what a complete waste of space I was for a good 8 months or so, maybe longer. I had zero energy, from the time I woke up to the soonest I could collapse in my bed after work...around 4:30 in the afternoon. I too often found myself cancelling evening plans with friends because I was so physically exhausted and mentally drained. I opted for a "quick nap" that usually wouldn't end until my alarm went off the next morning instead of dinner with my family. I let my gym membership sit there and rot because I COULD NOT make myself choose the treadmill over my pillow. I still went out on the weekends, but found myself calling it a night earlier and earlier.
    Aside from being that tired...allll the time...it lead me to a severe lack of motivation to do anything of importance. I went through the motions of the day - doing what I had to do to get through it, but nothing more. Which is really unlike me, especially in the professional environment. In all my previous jobs, I have found myself going above and beyond - finding projects to work on or ways to improve a process. I wasn't doing that anymore.
    And then there were the headaches. Awful, miserable, painful headaches that lasted all day long and remained strong even against the power of Extra Strength Tylenol and Excedrin Migraine. These headaches came on suddenly and clearly had no intentions of leaving any time soon. Along with the headaches came fatigue, shortness of breath, weakness and a tingling in my fingertips and wrists. After 5 straight days of this, and missing a day of work, I finally went to see my doctor. She checked for pneumonia, ran blood tests to rule out infection and blood clots, and several other small tests...and yet, she was stumped. She gave me a shot of Toradol for the pain and sent me on my way, hoping that breaking the cycle of pain may kick the headaches. A week later, no relief. My doctor decided to run another set of blood tests, one of which was to check my Vitamin B12 level.
    My B12 was in the mid 200 range, which doesn't technically make me "deficient." But the normal range is 200-900 or 200-1100 (depending on where you have the test done) so it sure put me pretty darn close. B12 is a vitamin you get from your diet, it's not one that your body can make on its own. It is absorbed from the proteins in meat, fish, eggs and dairy - which I definitely eat enough of. So, knowing that my body wasn't absorbing the B12 properly from my diet, I started weekly B12 injections to get my levels back up. My doctor and myself were hoping that the headaches may have just been a way of my body telling me that something was wrong and that after B12 injection therapy, they would start to subside.
    It took almost a full month of the injections before I started to find relief from the headaches, which I was so incredibly ready for! But I think what I've enjoyed more than ridding myself of these headaches, was the energy and motivation I gained after just the first week - which only continued to grow from there. I've started using my gym membership again...almost every day, now. I've been more involved at work, putting together a training manual and helping my boss on some small projects (ahh, much better.) I have noticed that I am sleeping so hard that I wake up sometimes and don't know what day it is - but I wake up feeling refreshed and energized and ready to tackle the world. And I have no desire to hit my snooze, once I'm up, I'm up! I think I'm actually getting the best sleep of my adult life. Knowing that my body is capable of feeling the way that it does now, and that my mind can feel so strong, really makes me consider the previous months and how lacking they were in so many ways.
    My boyfriend continuously called me "Grandma Shelby" whenever I wanted to go to sleep at 9pm on a Friday night, or needed a nap mid-way through Saturday. Now I'm the one pulling on his arm to go find something to do. My spirits are on high, I feel like I've actually enjoyed my days, both in and out of work, and my bed no longer calls my name. On the contrary, I find that I am having to force myself to go to sleep - otherwise I could stay up all day and half the night, no problem.
    I knew I was tired all the time, I knew I was being lazy, I knew I wasn't motivated. But I guess I didn't realize it was negatively affecting me so much, until I wasn't any of those things anymore. I can't recall the last time I felt this good, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I'm excited to see what this new energy and fresh motivation allows me to accomplish. I'm excited for how lively my days will continue to feel. But mostly, I'm over-the-moon happy and feeling 100% healthy for the first time in a really long time.
    As painful and persistent as those headaches were, I am thankful for the fact that they lead me to discover my low level of B12. Because you typically don't just go to the doctor and say "I'm tired and lazy, cure me." Unfortunately, it will take something else, like in my situation, to find that there is an actual problem with your health that's affecting these things (unless in fact, you're actually just a lazy person.)

                                                                  *****************

I hadn't even known the importance of B12, or how a low level can negatively affect your body to this extent. I didn't know it was something that your body could fail to absorb. I didn't know anything about it, at all. But after researching on my own, and understanding how the human body processes the food in your diet to extract, absorb and store the vitamin, and then subsequently use it for such important functions, I realize that probably not many people know this stuff either. And B12 deficiency is actually a very common thing that goes undiagnosed far too often. I've suggested to many of my friends and family to have their B12 levels checked, because something so simple has caused a world of change for me, in just a month and half. And through all of this, and with the help of follow up tests, I've also found that my body, at this point, does not have the proper means to absorb the vitamin on its own from my diet. Research Intrinsic Factor Antibody, if you'd like to find out why. I will need to have monthly injections from this point forward in order to maintain a stable level. And if it's a small poke in the arm once a month that will allow me to continue feeling this good, it's well worth it.

What is Love if Not a Reason to be the Best Version of Yourself?

The majority of my days are just normal...routine. Snooze the alarm 3 times, get to work 5 minutes late, scarf down lunch while simultaneously responding to emails, honk the horn a few times at people who cut me off on my way home...ya know. The usual stuff. There are occasional doctor appointments, sometimes I spend an evening doing laundry and sometimes I come home and collapse into a pile of exhaustion on my pillow...usually on a Thursday. My weekends, especially during the Summer, are filled with events away from home, keeping me up late at night, and often include beer and friends. I live for the weekends.

Lately, though...the routine, the normal, the day to day...it's all starting to seem a lot less boring. It's all still very average in terms of "life events" or "the things you have to do." Yes, everyone has to work to make money to pay bills and eat dinner. But too many people are completely miserable in doing so. Too many people go through the motions every single day, and forget to allow spontanaeity into their lives. Routine is good on a lot of levels. But if routine is all you have and each day is the same as the one before it and the one that follows...everything is sure to become mundane and meaningless. Where's the good in that?

So how is it that my normal, routine days aren't so boring to me? I've found a very real inspiration. A silent motivator, a strong supporter, a second opinion, a reason to think and re-think everything I do...including the routine things. I've found a best friend to do life with who makes me want to be better, without even meaning to.

When it's just you, your same thoughts, your same point of view...you can really get set in your ways. But when someone comes along who challenges your thoughts, your mind, your intentions and goals - all of a sudden you are looking at everything in a new light. I've got someone in my life who loves me for me, and everything I stand for. And that, in itself, is enough to make me take a second look at who I am as a person and what exactly it is that I stand for. Can I give him an even better person to love? Because he surely deserves the best.

I say this with every ounce of honesty my body contains...I have never once felt that he has ever wanted to change a single thing about me. I'm not looking at myself and my life in a new light because he has ever brought a flaw to my attention or spoken down to me about any single aspect of my being. Actually, I think it's just the opposite. For once in my life, I feel so safe and cared for and un-judged. I feel loved for who I am. And it makes me think...who am I really? Here is this person, who loves me so much. Here he is, with his ever-so-delicate forehead kisses that mean the world to me. Here's this man, who opened up to me and showed me his world and his mind. He's shared with me his goals, his wants in life, his regrets and his accomplishments. He is beautiful and exciting and funny. There is something about sharing a meal at a nice restaurant with two plates full of crab legs on your candle-lit table...and there sit the two of you, trying to wipe tears from your eyes because you are both laughing so hard that you can't even breath. Call it rude, but we were in the moment, completely consumed in our own little world, thoroughly enjoying each other's company. And if you can't give in to a moment like that, then how are you supposed to enjoy life?

I can go on and on about all our moments that have really made a mark on my heart. There are many...because he gets me and he's thoughtful and he's real. And I consider how highly I think of him...and that's what makes me strive to be the best version of myself. There are days that I'm moody...and that has ALWAYS been the case. But what do my moody days add to life? Surely nothing positive. So why be moody? I can just change my mindset, put a smile on and focus on different viewpoints..to be better company, to make the day worth while, to make it memorable in some way. There are days where I'm impatient and, unfortunately, he endures the sharp edges of my snappy attitude. Its not his fault that things didn't go the way I envisioned them. And even so, what does it matter if B came before A? Did it ruin my life? Will I make it to see tomorrow? Then why sweat it? These are the things I've started to look at when considering my day to day. These are some the areas where I want to be better...for the sake of life happiness in general, and for the sake of this caring man and the fact that he doesn't deserve to have to suffer through my short comings.

And so, with a new set of eyes and a greater appreciation for my life and the fact that I get to share all these moments with such an incredible man...I continue on with my routines. Except, they aren't so routine anymore. Because I am looking for ways to make them better, more exciting, less stressful, more meaningful and always...more purposeful.

Because there is a reason I found such a true, honest love and I'll be damned if I ever let it become "just one of my routines."

Here's to finding purpose in all that you do. Here's to holding on to love and allowing it to bring excitement to your life. And here's to building a better you....both for yourself and for those who love you.

I love you, Anthony.

When You Fall and You Love It

When love has let you down, especially when it lets you down hard, there seems to be this prominent moment in time that drags on and on and on. It's not pain, really. It's not even sadness. It's just this sense of solitude that has taken on the role of your personal protection; a body guard for your heart and soul, if you will. The funny thing about it is you are well aware of it throughout your day, with every interaction you have with another person, especially in meeting new people. And you grow to rely on it. With this guard comes independence, inner strength and focus. All of a sudden, you're feeling better about yourself than you can ever remember feeling...ever. You're confident in your own abilities and proud of your accomplishments, because you are all you have...you and this Knight of Solidarity who walks beside you day in and day out. 

     

You'll envelope yourself in this positive selfishness. You will grow and your world will expand with you. And before you know it, you will have found your true self, the person you were meant to be...and want to be; a stronger, better, more prominent you. 

When you have taken this time to get to know yourself; the real, uninterrupted, non-clouded version of yourself, you will find that the right people gravitate to you. You don't have to go searching for someone who might, possibly, fit into this puzzle-piece riddle of standards you set. The right people will find you, on accident in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times. And because you have found your true personality, there will be no confusion in the bonds you build with these surprise acquaintances. And if you remain true to yourself, the right one will come along; the one who evokes all the right emotions and treats you with all the respect in the world.

For the longest time, I thought that beginning a new relationship would force me to compromise all that I had gained in this past year. I thought I would have to trade in my freedom for a pair of chains, and set aside my independence in order to let someone in. I thought that my guard would be too strong to allow anyone to ever help me or hold me. Until now…now I see that you don't have to tear your soul in half in order to share it. The right person will come along who knows just how to handle your heart, even the tough, protected parts. He won't fight with your wall of confidence; instead he will rebuild it where it weakens. He won't fear your independence, but encourage it. He will share in the belief in your abilities and take it upon himself to make sure that belief never falters. He will make you better. He will accentuate all of those strengths you have grown into, not place them in shadows. He will love you in all the right ways and he will make you even stronger. 

     I am so lucky to have found someone who lifts me so high. This relationship is still new and exciting...and young. But it’s strong and I believe in it. I am infatuated with his presence, I feel safe in his arms and he is such a good, caring man.

 ...I couldn't have imagined a better person to fall for on accident, when I was least expecting it.

Where Civilization is Not

A twisting, winding road
A tangled mess of golden hair
blowing in the wind, gleaming in the sun
It's only February, but her window's rolled down
She takes a deep breath, cold and sobering
She exhales a cloud of steam, a true tell of the fire in her heart
She's got her favorite song turned all the way up
There's a smile on her face as she locks eyes with the blue sky ahead
She's not sure if she's chasing a dream
Or if she's headed somewhere she's already been
All she knows is that it doesn't matter
She's just happy to be going somewhere.
Her gut is tight with excitement
She bears an adventurous soul
It aches for true freedom
Free from rules and wandering eyes
Free of stress and time constraints
Free from monotonous tasks and conversation
Her mind wanders
It takes her through the woods she used to hike
The fort she disappeared to for hours on end
She ventures back to rollerblades on rough pavement
and bike rides, swift with the dropping terrain
She recalls sitting on the edge of a cliff
Looking out over clear blue-green water
Completely mesmerized, encompassed by life.
There aren't stop lights or sirens where she's going
There's no traffic or violence
There are only moments of awe
Peaceful realizations of true beauty
a renewed respect for the Earth...
...and the fact that is still spins.

Despite the anger and corruption
Even with the debt of the economy
and freak accidents breaking the hearts of loved ones
No matter how busy the streets
Or how harsh the life...

There are still birds who fly freely between the trees
and cubs who find safety beneath their mother
and waves that crash over rocks, slowly changing their shapes
There is still beauty in this world, big blue skies and small streams
Silence that echoes for miles
Pebbles that sink to the bottom of lakes
and snow that builds and builds and builds

On a normal day, she fights rush hour traffic
and forgets to do laundry
She struggles to pay her bills
and drinks too much coffee just to stay awake
On most days, she's just going through the motions
But on those rare, momentous days
When she takes off to be absolutely nowhere
Surrounded by nothing of importance
Not talking to a single soul
Those are the days she feels alive
Those moments...
...when she feels so much smaller than the world
...where the eagle owns the sky
...when she has to dip below branches and step over roots
Those moments are living
Those are the moments she reaches for
That's where her soul would fly if it could