Taming the Birds that Turn our Tongues to Fools

It's not worth all the hurt
or the tension between us
It won't do any good
to let emotions fly free
I'd struggle to say
all the words I've been thinking
They'll come out all wrong
and we'll both end up hurting

So tonight
I'll lay down my head
On a pillow of conscience
I'll dream of the life
our memories once shared
I'll lock all those thoughts
way down deep in my soul
and pray
for a better tomorrow

It's not worth all the hurt
or the tension between us
It won't do any good
to let emotions fly free
I'd struggle to say
all the words I've been thinking
They'll come out all wrong
and we'll both end up hurting

And when morning comes
I know I'll be free
Free of the hate
You brought me to, dear
I'll walk a little taller
than I did the day before
And I'll keep on walking
until the hurt, hurts no more

So tonight
I'll lay down my head
on a pillow of conscience
after I've swallowed my pride
and grown a bit stronger
Because its just not worth all the hurt
or all the tension between us
And it just won't do any good
to let all these emotions fly free

Growing Up...and Throwing Up.

   First, you wait in a line. A long, long line that wraps and curves into an endless maze of shuffling feet and a roar of different conversations. You spend way too much time examining the back of someones head, the tag sticking out of their shirt and their shoelace that is slowly coming untied. Then, finally, you feel like you're rounding the last bend in the metal railings that cage you in behind the lucky son-of-a-gun who gets to go before you...just to realize you're approaching yet another series of wrapping lines. You make a quick estimate of how long it will take you to get through it all and mindlessly begin shuffling along, once again.
    After what seems like three weeks of standing in line, you finally get to the front. You sit down in the hard plastic bucket seat and strap yourself in, good and tight. Then a man, in high-wasted khaki shorts pulls on the seat belt with all his strength, pinching your waist smaller than you thought humanly possible. As if that's not enough, a second pair of khaki shorts walks up and pushes down on the body harness squeezing your lady-bits or manhood to nonexistence. The thought of there being even the slightest possibility of you falling out of this miniature locomotive while being flipped and twisted backwards and upside down, is now completely diminished. Yes sir. You. Are. Safe.
    The crew all put their approving thumbs high up in the air, and the track lets out a great sigh of relief as the brakes are released and the carts begin to roll forward. As you exit the loading platform, the apologetic eyes of onlookers stare deep into your soul, judging your ability to handle what comes next by the expression you wear on your face. "Oh, she's done this a million times." "Uh oh, someone must have lost a bet, they're as white as a ghost," "That one's gonna hurl for sure."
    But as a first-time rider, nobody dares to tell you that fifteen seconds in you will drop at a ninety-degree angle straight to the ground just before being ripped back up into the sky and violently twisted upside down eight hundred times in a row. If they told you these things, you'd never even get in that seat. If they told you that when you get off the ride you'll be so dizzy that you can't walk straight for days, you would tie yourself to a tree and dare them to even try to get you to go. If they told you that you'd come out on the other side looking like all the green things in the world took residence on your skin, you'd tell them to get lost. So instead, they smile a bright smile and tell you it will be the ride of your life.

    But really, this crazy flippy, twisty, high-speed ride is life. You take 110-degree turns, travel so fast, at times, that your eyes water and occasionally ride through pitch-black tunnels where you can't even see your hand in front of your face. Your stomach might get sick, your head might feel like its screwed on backwards and you might feel like you've completely lost your way. One minute you're gliding along in a smooth straight line and the next you're upside down being soaked to the bone by a massive waterfall. There will most likely be a point where you'll think to yourself, "Okay, let me off this thing." And when the ride doesn't stop, you might get frustrated. But its nobody's fault...it's just life.

Not a Resolution List, Rather...A Lifestyle

In the past six months....

I have traveled to Europe
I have ridden on the back of a motorcycle for the first time
I have tried new foods
I moved to a new home with someone I had never met before
I explored an abandoned building
I've introduced myself to new people
I have driven a snowmobile for the first time
I did my first doughnut in a vehicle (intentionally)
I went to the beach in late October
I enjoyed a wine tasting
I went to a pig roast
I saved a bug's life instead of killing it
I rebelled and walked across a closed bridge
I floated on a pontoon anchored by an island
I watched two of my best friends get engaged
I watched one of my best friends through her pregnancy


In the next twelve months...

I hope to bungee jump or sky dive
I will graduate college
I hope to move to a new location
I hope to continue trying new foods
I hope to change my hair style
I hope to make new friends
I hope to travel somewhere I've never been (hopefully multiple places)
I hope to take a vacation to somewhere warm
I hope to have a new job
I hope to lose 40 lbs
I hope to have an even stronger love for my boyfriend
I hope to continue learning and growing as a person

But most of all, I hope to maintain a sense of adventure and enthusiasm for life
I hope to continue surrounding myself with those who matter most
And keep pushing forward towards my goals.

Happy New Year!

Twenty Years From Now...

Every single day is composed of a series of decisions. Some are bigger than others and some are pure routine. Sometimes you change your mind, other times you realize you chose wrong and sometimes you are dead right. If every decision I ever made could be categorized into 'Good Decision,' 'Bad Decision,' or 'Try it again tomorrow,' I'd say I would eventually get it all right. And I bet I'd be coasting down every street making each and every green light in my path.

But its just not that simple...

There are unknowns and surprises. Tomorrow is always a mystery and sometimes you don't get immediate feedback on your choices. It might take days or months or years before you realize the outcome of one tiny decision. So how exactly do you know the right path? How do you know which way is up, when you're spinning and blind? How do you come out on top? What are the proper steps? Where is the guidebook or the instruction manual? Why has this not been perfected, yet? How is it...that generation after generation...people are still making bad choices? How is it that people are still screwing up their lives? Whose footsteps am I to follow? Or am I just one more person fighting the fight, destined to get it wrong in the end, anyway?

I don't believe there to be any single person who possesses the answers to these questions. Nor do I believe in the perfect human. Life is meant to be lived...in the moment. There will always be curve balls and you can always ponder the "what-if's." You can look backwards or try to compare your life with another and end up deciding you have regrets. You can focus on the technicalities of every day life and drive yourself to insanity in weighing the innumerable options.

Or you can jump.

The decisions will never stop coming and opportunities, good or bad, will never stop presenting themselves. If you get this one wrong, use what you learned to help you the next time around. Tomorrow is another day, but if you spend too much time staring at twenty years from now...today will pass you by. And today only comes once. You only have today for a day. While you have it, use it and enjoy it, spend it with those who matter most and share it with those in need. Today is precious and it passes quickly, so don't waste a drop.

"Live the life you love."

Xo

The Final Lap

The crowd is up out of their seats, yelling and waving their arms high in the air. The announcer bellows excitedly into the the loud speaker giving a play-by-play as I round the last bend. I can see the finish line and the swirling flags flap in the wind over the track. My breathing slows down, my eyes narrow on the goal, and nothing else matters but this moment. I hear familiar voices drowning out the rest of the noise...my family, my friends. They cheer the loudest, their eyes are the widest and they are right there at the finish line...waiting for me to come in the strongest. My stride stays steady, one foot in front of the other. The cheers grow louder and I near closer and closer...

...and suddenly I stop. 

I look up, as my fans furrow their brows in confusion. They tilt their heads. They look down at my knees....my ankles..."Is she injured?" They brush me towards them with a flick of their hand and a reassuring nod. They yell my name. Louder...and louder. My feet are stuck. My mind is triggering my muscles to act, to move, to do something...but nothing happens. I collapse in defeat as my competition blows past me. My fans hang their heads and step away from the finish line in my direction. Suddenly, I'm on my toes. And I'm sprinting faster than I've ever sprinted. But I'm running away from them...backwards...in the wrong direction. 

I can't explain why I stopped running. I don't know why I quit in the most important stretch. I have no words or excuses. I just broke down. And then I realized I was so far behind that I didn't know where to take my first step. And all those people there to support me, who believed in me from the start and pushed me towards the finish line...I let them down. And now they want answers. I don't have them. I can't explain it. I'm embarrassed and confused. But most of all, I used them. I tricked them and deceived them. I lied to them. I said I was doing fine when I knew I was slowing down. And now, the pieces are so broken that no pleas or cries are going to put them back together. There will only be hurt and anger. 

I need something...strength or self-control. I need to let go of my pride and admit I made a mistake. I need to come forward and talk to those who stood by me and explain that I can't explain why it happened the way it did. I need to ask for help...and forgiveness. And I need to find some inspiration, something to motivate me again. I need to dig deep...find a spark, a smile, a purpose. The goal is right in front of me. I know I want it. I want it so bad. But why, then, won't I work for it?

Self-Control: The ability to control oneself, in particular one's emotions and desires or the expression of them in one's behavior, especially in difficult situations.

Choice: An act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities. 

Will Power: The trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior

For years, I have stressed the importance of these very definitions and the roles they have played in my life. This is how I want to be remembered. This is how I want to be every day of my life. I want these characteristics to be the moral of every story I tell and every lesson I learn. These are the values I want to teach my children. And when I lay in my bed many years from now...I want to know that I lived a life full of self control, choice and will power. And right there in front of me is the finish line. Graduation, money, free time, a normal sleep schedule.

...so why are my feet not moving?

The Moon Lives in the Lining of Your Skin

We can all learn something from her
The way she always sees the best in people
The way her smile is always glaringly genuine
The way she sees past the negative of any given situation
We can all gain some valuable insight from her
The way she doesn't stress about tomorrow
But, instead, focuses on today
The way she effortlessly brings joy to those around her
And the diamond of a heart she wears on her sleeve
We can all stand to reflect on her selflessness
Because she has seen true pain
She has been treated wrongly
And she may never have some of the same opportunities as you and I
Yet she wears a smile every day
And offers it to each person around her
She has touched the lives of so many
She has definitely touched mine
I've never heard her talk bad of anyone
Or seen her pass a judging glance
She is simple....beautiful
I've never met another person like her, and doubt I ever will
She inspires me and motivates me
She is the best person I know

To my kid sister...
Who has shown more strength in her first 21 years than I will comprehend in my entire lifetime
Who teaches me, every day, how to be a better person
And who is always excited to see me and gives the most meaningful hugs

I know your continued strength will carry you through this next surgery
Just know that you've got your biggest fan cheering you on
And the support of all those lives you have touched so far
Go get 'em, Tiger.

xo

Over a Glass of Wine

"We Gain Strength, Courage and Confidence By Each Experience In Which We Really Stop to Look Fear In the Face" _Eleanor Roosevelt

    As I mentioned in one of my very first posts, I have an extremely close, important group of girlfriends. It consists of myself and six other girls. We grew up together, have grown together (even while apart) and have witnessed some of life's most beautiful moments together. I couldn't have imagined a better group of friends, even if I tried.
    On my my most recent trip to my hometown, I had dinner with one of the girls. We started talking about the act of asking for and giving advice. It occurred to us during this conversation just how independent and strong our group of friends is and has always been. Of course, we all have each other and will, day or night, consider each other best friends.  But individually, we have our own separate friends and lives, as well. Perhaps it's because we all know each other so well that we indirectly give and receive advice to and from one another....but it seems like we rarely call each other up and say: "I really need some advice...can you talk?"
    As our glasses of wine disappeared sip by sip, and the deliberation continued on the independence of our group of friends, we decided that each and every one of us lives our own life...and completely owns it. We are capable of making our own decisions and accepting the consequences. And we've learned from our past decisions how to make better current and future decisions. All seven of us have seen troubles, dealt with heartbreak and trampled through heated arguments. Each one of us has made a less than stellar life decision, at some point. But through all these experiences, we have gained the strength, courage and confidence to make a better decision next time around.
    And so, instead of asking for advice or passing around a compass between our group...we lend support. We support each other when we are down. We support each other in triumph. We support each other in every aspect of each individual life...because we are all positive that the other is capable of making the right decision for them self.
    I am so proud to call these girls my best friends. My strong, independent, beautiful best friends.

K.K, M.M, C.K, M.E, L.B, E.R. #ForeverMine #Xo

Cheers,

Shelby